All posts tagged “Story Time

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FUN FACTS MY PARENTS (AND GRANDPARENTS) DON’T KNOW!

The names and details have been changed to protect the identity of family and friends who can still get their asses whipped. I stay out-of-state and am willing to take one for the team. Plus, I ain’t never scared but mostly because my mom has a bad memory. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

While attempting to get through the work day, I decided to listen to artists and groups I was obsessed with but hadn’t listened to in a while. I started with Dru Hill which resulted in a series of posts:

So if you could not tell by the title, there may be several a few things my parents and grandparents are unaware of.

As a super Christian, my mother didn’t allow me to listen to secular music. Not only did my grandparents buy me Dru Hill’s album but I had Ginuwine (which often included a series of photos; notably, shirtless Ginuwine). What they didn’t buy me (yet I somehow had access to) was Juvenile’s 400 Degreez (which is the ideal temperature for frozen pizza because I like a little crisp). Anyway, this album features what should be the national anthem: Back That Azz Up. Hey Mom, did you know Sister Jennie popped me with a rolled up piece of newspaper for throwing it in a circle at one of my middle school dances? In my defense, I was not the only one twerking but got caught. Typical.

Speaking of throwing it in a circle, I learned to twerk at a very young age from someone who shall remain nameless. Very controversial outside of New Orleans but pretty much the norm there because… Bounce Music. Instructions: Arch your back and pop your butt up and down slowly but forcefully. You will gain speed over time and with practice you may become an expert, middle-aged rump shaker like me. Most of you will never achieve this level of excellence because you don’t have heart. Stay stiff.

Shorty after starting high school, I became a bibliophile overnight. No one questioned it because reading was a constructive habit. It started when a friend suggested I read the Coldest Winter Ever (which I read in 2 days or less). Then, I asked my grandfather if he could start buying me books. He accompanied me to the book store and bought me two books a week from 10th grade to college. What he didn’t know is he wasn’t just paying for teen drama and fantasy. There were some gangsta novels and erotica. I always had Zane’s newest books.

Last but certainly not least is what I like to call “Bible Study and Chill.” In high school, Thursday was bible study night. First, children then adults (I am not sure who came up with such a inconvenient schedule for parents). Anyway, my grandmother stayed near so we (people who shall remain nameless and me) would walk to her house once we were done. Once there, we would invite friends over. Those friends usually included boys we liked. Once adult bible study was done, “the lookout” would call to let us know the adults were on their way. We never got caught.

What’s funny is my uncle was always upstairs but we knew it was unlikely that he would come downstairs, move or even breath. Most of the time, we would be outside talking (which we could’ve done at church) but you know, we wanted to be sneaky and badass (we as in people I won’t mention and me). Since my mom is the only one who reads this blog, I would like to apologize and ask that you wait until after my birthday to snitch. I don’t want this to effect my gifts and your mom making me a sweet potato pie. We all we got.

If you guys liked this post, you’ll be excited about what I reveal in another 15 years! Read and share my previous post: 10-Months-Old, Parties Like a Broke Rockstar & Does Not Care If We Get Sleep. Follow me most places @pinkgumbeaux

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STORYTIME 2: DAD, THAT’S NOT A LIMOUSINE! BY: HUSBAND

My dad assured me that if I got my driver’s license before prom that I could drive his Cadillac to prom. How excited was I? I studied and took practice tests in preparation for the exam. Of course, I passed and was excited to tell my dad. “Dad, dad, I passed the exam! I passed my driver license test!” My dad told me he was proud of me. I told him that I was so grateful that he was going to let me drive his Cadillac to prom. Then, my dad said “you’re not driving my car.” I said “buuuttt you said if I got my license, you’ll let me drive your car.” Then he told me he didn’t think I was ready for that type of responsibility but that he would do me one better. He told me that he would get a limo for me and “my little prom date.” I was like “a limo, for real? Dad, you’re the best!” I was bummed that I wouldn’t be able to drive the Cadillac but was like man, I get to arrive in a limo! This is going to be so great.

Its prom night, I’m getting dressed and anxiously waiting for my limo to arrive. My dad comes to my bedroom and informs me that my limo is outside. I walk outside, look around then come back and say “I don’t know dad, I didn’t see a limo but think there is a funeral going on down the street. Do you think the limo driver got lost?” He’s like no, that’s your limo. I was thinking “but that’s a funeral car.”

It has 6 doors.

It’s sky blue.

Then, he informs me that the driver is going to be with me all night so that I can take my time. I was like, “I understand and appreciate that but that is not a limousine, they still got funeral programs in the back.” I had two choices: 1. Take the funeral car or 2. Ask my date to pick me up and we get dropped off at prom. So, I got in the back of the funeral car and the driver attempts small talk with me. In my mind, I just want him to drive this hearse, pick up this girl and drop us off and take us home so I can forget about this day for the rest of my life.

We pick my date up, she says nothing. I could only imagine the thoughts running through her mind like “where the funeral at?” or “I know he did not pick me up in a funeral car.” We arrive at prom, dance and take pictures. Traditionally, people go out to eat after prom but there was no way I was rolling up to a restaurant in a funeral car. She felt the same way so I dropped her off and the nice funeral car driver man dropped me off. He was a great driver, I give him that. The way he turned those corners… He told me he hoped I had a good time; I walked inside, went to my room and cried. No, I didn’t actually cry but my dad ruined my prom and life.

It still hurts.

Read and share wife’s previous post: Token Talk Live

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STORYTIME 1: THE THIRST IS REAL 

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If my experiences can help at least one person, I’ve done my job.

So…

While in a work meeting (which are usually lengthy), I got super thirsty. Without consciously giving it any thought, I grabbed a bottle of water and started drinking it. I felt refreshed and thought to myself, I really need to drink more water. Minutes later, it dawned on me that I did not bring water to this meeting!!!! Note: During the last meeting, I was informed we could no longer bring water into the meeting.

I silently lost my shit. I’m trying not to draw any attention to myself because this is a packed meeting and I’m sitting in the front. So I ask one of my colleagues “is this your water?” She said no and I thought thank God! We don’t like each other much so if I drunk after someone, let it be someone I like! She asked another colleague and confirmed it was hers. I like her a little and she always has good candy but we not cool like that. Not in a drinking after, possible backwash kind of way…

My throat starts closing, I think I heard her sneeze but I’m not sure. I start thinking the worst. What if my lips fall off? I just need all of my prayer warriors to say a prayer for me. I’m about to take a Zicam, rinse with holy water and meditate.

Did this happen because I talked about Alicia Keys yesterday? Did Illuminati do this to me?

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