All posts tagged “Motherhood

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7-MONTHS-OLD, UNEMPLOYED & STILL DROOLING

Yes, Baby Gumbeaux still exists. Unless you follow Baby Gumbeaux on social media, you have no idea what we’ve been up to. Most recent Facebook and Twitter posts are about phantom poop smells, chew toys, making a quilt out of my C-section panties and nursing bras, and twerking to ABC Mouse.

Baby Gumbeaux is basically grown but has yet to secure the employment necessary to pay for daycare, diapers, and food. She is 15 pounds and 25-inches-long, a third of my height. Don’t be surprised if she’s taller than me by kindergarten. She has a ton of personality; specifically, my personality. She runs the staff at her daycare, only allowing a couple of teachers to hold and feed her, gets annoyed when other babies get “too much attention,” and often accompanies her teacher on her lunch breaks. Baby Gumbeaux has three boyfriends ranging from babies to toddlers that, visit her every morning and afternoon. She runs the toddlers too. Just last week, she mowed over two toddlers while in her walker, and they just let it happen.

Unless you approach her with a compliment, she likely won’t allow you to touch or hold her. Don’t blink or breath near her or she may start screaming. She often snatches her hand away from people and occasionally lets out a baby kick. Not too surprising since I usually don’t like people touching me either. During a trip to New Orleans last week, she wouldn’t allow anyone to hold her. Well, just the kids and only because she thinks she’s one of them.

Baby Gumbeaux is eating baby food and tried mashed potatoes a couple of times. I tried to feed her scrambled eggs, but she spit it out. I think the texture is weird to her. Have I ever mentioned I am an extremely picky eater so seeing her reject a ton of food should be fun?

She thinks she is grown, so her preference is to try to walk and has thrown a baby middle finger to crawling. Her favorite pastime includes watching me get ready and laughing when I dance. I have yet to determine if she’s laughing with or at me. She has no rhythm, so the joke’s on her. Baby Gumbeaux is a rebel so, homegirl still does not sleep through the night. Interestingly, when we are getting ready for work, she usually goes back to sleep. I don’t think so sis; you should’ve slept last night. It’s time for daycare.

I am fairly certain I am going to ditch Baby Gumbeaux’s Instagram and Facebook. They are the same people who follow Pink Gumbeaux. We’ll stay on Twitter because we have a bit of an audience @babygumbeaux. Read and share my previous post: Talking Gumbeaux.

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BABY GUMBEAUX TURNS 1 MONTH OLD

Most importantly, I survived a month of motherhood. By the way, the word “motherhood” is super aggressive, is there an alternative?

About Baby Gumbeaux

In 1 month, I’ve changed numerous poop- and pee-filled diapers; although, sitting in dirty diapers and onesies is one of her favorite pastimes. By the way, she has already pooped and peed on me and vomited down my boobs which clearly demonstrates the level of respect she has for me.

She sounds like she’s having a panic attack when her pacifier isn’t in or near her mouth and screams like a banshee when we take too long to get her bottle.

She falls asleep when I play Diana Ross’s greatest hits, thinks “Tummy Time” is for chumps, and prefers listening to “5 Minute Minnie Tales” over all other books including the Bible which leads me to believe she’s probably Muslim.

The most challenging thing is the lack of sleep. She seems to be most alert when we are sleepy and spends the wee hours staring at us and probably hoping we turn into stone. Note: I have not received a full night of sleep since I was 19 weeks pregnant which means I’ve been deprived of sleep for nearly a f***ing year!

Update: Husband read this post and told me “don’t act like I don’t keep the baby overnight so you can sleep a few hours.”

Postpartum Depression

I prayed, meditated, spent my Ibotta cash on an album full of pregnancy and parenting affirmations and think I have a pretty good support system so I was well-prepared to bypass Postpartum Depression; however, it’s inevitable.

I cried more in the short period after having the baby then I did in the entire pregnancy and suffered from high blood pressure the first time in my life which resulted in a visit to my doctor’s office and the emergency room. To make matters worse, I still mull over the C-Section and not being able to produce a sufficient amount of breastmilk (although I am now working with a lactation doctor to change things).

I’m doing a lot better than my first few weeks but will chat with my OBGYN at my appointment to determine if I need additional help aka drugs!

Postpartum Body

I spent my entire pregnancy nauseous, with heartburn and acid reflux, and suffering from food aversion; as a result, I only gained 8 pounds. Sounds cool, right? Less weight to lose; however, it was something that could’ve put Baby at risk so it was not something I did intentionally.

Right before I started my 3rd Trimester, my OBGYN wanted me to gain 7 pounds. I gained 5, got sick, lost 5 then lost a few pounds prior to giving birth (which means I basically gained no weight).

What I do have is a weird stomach. When I left the hospital, I looked 6 months pregnant. I was told it takes time for swelling to go down and for everything to retract. The area immediately surrounding my belly button shakes like jello and the area below that is painful and the area below that area is still numb (probably from the C-Section). Last but not least, the stretch marks seem to have grown out of nowhere so I’ve increased the amount of times I exfoliate and am basically sliding around my apartment from all of the Cocoa Butter I’m wearing.

Well, you guys are uber nosy. Read and share my previous post: The Illuminati Created Fall Finales Follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram @pinkgumbeaux and @babygumbeaux

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THE FINAL TRIMESTER & ARRIVAL OF BABY GUMBEAUX

Baby Gumbeaux & Ugly Hospital Gown

Reader discretion is advised. This blog post contains TMI and may be considered a long read for people with small brains.

Each trimester was worse than the previous. At this point, I got accustomed to sleeping maybe a few hours a night, experienced acid reflux and heartburn all day, could not find a comfortable sitting or sleeping position and spent most of my waking hours agitated. How agitated? Enough for coworkers and bosses to keep asking me “when are you going on maternity leave?” On the other hand, a lot of those symptoms ended the moment I gave birth.

Induction

On November 12th, I arrived at the hospital 15 minutes after my scheduled check-in because I wanted nachos. I had to complete a couple of forms filling in basic information then got to the dumbest question on earth: “Why are you here?” Let’s see… 9 months pregnant, checking into “labor and delivery” and you’re asking me why I’m here? My response? To get this baby out of my body! The nurses thought it was a funny response.

As a result of my cervix not softening and not dilating, I agreed to be induced using a method called Foley Bulb Induction. My bed was lifted to what seemed like the ceiling then the balloon was inserted. I instantly started cramping and was informed it would likely be a painful and uncomfortable night. I was given sleeping pills that did not work.

12 hours later, Pennywise (OBGYN) removed the ballon. I had dilated 1 f***ing centimeter. Plan B? The use of Pitocin which I was on for 11 hours! Contractions got more intense but wasn’t enough for me to get the epidural they kept trying to shove down my throat. After dilating just 2 more centimeters, Pennywise informed me that she would give me 2 more hours but that it was highly likely I would have to get a C-section. I used that final hour to cry. I never considered a C-section, didn’t know much about C-sections, am not here for needles and sharp objects, IT’S MAJOR SURGERY, and recovery would be tougher for Baby Gumbeaux and I.

Delivery

They “graciously” allowed Husband to be with me while I got the Spinal Block (which immediately numbed my body). I asked Husband not to look while they conducted the C-section, I didn’t want him to be scarred for life. Thankfully, the process was super quick. They showed me Baby Gumbeaux and she is gorgeous. I was relieved because ugly babies exist.

Recovery

24 hours after being sliced like a pizza, hospital staff made me walk the hallways. This is the most challenging and painful thing I’ve ever encountered in my entire life. Of course I needed help walking, in and out of bed, when showering and using the bathroom which resulted in me being super comfortable with doctors and nurses seeing me in the nude. Side note: Why are those hospital gowns so unattractive? Who the f*** designs them? Most importantly, why do hospitals keep buying them?

Support

I felt it when I got pregnant and again after the baby. I don’t know how women do it without support. Husband has witnessed a blood clot the size of a baseball dropping out of me, has changed my bedpan and wiped my butt. Just to think, a few weeks ago I didn’t even poop in front of him.

My younger brother has witnessed me pumping on more than one occasion and has the pleasure of cleaning and disposing of bloody, poop and or urine-filled diapers and pads.

Mom’s in town, is super helpful, has been taking some of the midnight shift so we can sleep, telling me that I’m not feeding the baby enough, that I hold her too much (and that it will spoil her) then when I put her down, she proceeds to hold her…

Last but not least are my friends. I kind of struggled with the thought of raising a baby without my family. I had my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and tons of cousins. While Husband does have family here, I think they’ve aged out of the category where they can be super active. These friends are my family now. They have given me tons of advice, hosted my baby shower, bought Baby Gumbeaux a ton of stuff, volunteered to babysit, arrived at the hospital before me, have visited and been supportive postpartum. While I’m at it, I should spread the joy *gag* Family, coworkers, acquaintances, church members and even internet strangers have been helpful, supportive and made this transition a little easier. I mean, as easy as it can be when one is getting no sleep and peed on (4xs at this point).

Read and share past pregnancy posts:

Second Trimester: The Rise and Fall of the Incubator 

Shit Pregnant Wives Say to Their Husbands

Shit Husbands Say to Their Pregnant Wives

The Ultimate Guide to Being Knocked Up

Another Blog Post Complaining About Pregnancy

My “New” Maternity Wardrobe

The First Trimester

Hell Has Frozen over, Pigs Are Flying & I’m Pregnant

Like and follow Baby Gumbeaux on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

May the odds be ever in MY favor. What? I have a newborn, ain’t nobody thinking about you guys.

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