All posts tagged “Humor

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FUN FACTS MY PARENTS (AND GRANDPARENTS) DON’T KNOW!

The names and details have been changed to protect the identity of family and friends who can still get their asses whipped. I stay out-of-state and am willing to take one for the team. Plus, I ain’t never scared but mostly because my mom has a bad memory. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

While attempting to get through the work day, I decided to listen to artists and groups I was obsessed with but hadn’t listened to in a while. I started with Dru Hill which resulted in a series of posts:

So if you could not tell by the title, there may be several a few things my parents and grandparents are unaware of.

As a super Christian, my mother didn’t allow me to listen to secular music. Not only did my grandparents buy me Dru Hill’s album but I had Ginuwine (which often included a series of photos; notably, shirtless Ginuwine). What they didn’t buy me (yet I somehow had access to) was Juvenile’s 400 Degreez (which is the ideal temperature for frozen pizza because I like a little crisp). Anyway, this album features what should be the national anthem: Back That Azz Up. Hey Mom, did you know Sister Jennie popped me with a rolled up piece of newspaper for throwing it in a circle at one of my middle school dances? In my defense, I was not the only one twerking but got caught. Typical.

Speaking of throwing it in a circle, I learned to twerk at a very young age from someone who shall remain nameless. Very controversial outside of New Orleans but pretty much the norm there because… Bounce Music. Instructions: Arch your back and pop your butt up and down slowly but forcefully. You will gain speed over time and with practice you may become an expert, middle-aged rump shaker like me. Most of you will never achieve this level of excellence because you don’t have heart. Stay stiff.

Shorty after starting high school, I became a bibliophile overnight. No one questioned it because reading was a constructive habit. It started when a friend suggested I read the Coldest Winter Ever (which I read in 2 days or less). Then, I asked my grandfather if he could start buying me books. He accompanied me to the book store and bought me two books a week from 10th grade to college. What he didn’t know is he wasn’t just paying for teen drama and fantasy. There were some gangsta novels and erotica. I always had Zane’s newest books.

Last but certainly not least is what I like to call “Bible Study and Chill.” In high school, Thursday was bible study night. First, children then adults (I am not sure who came up with such a inconvenient schedule for parents). Anyway, my grandmother stayed near so we (people who shall remain nameless and me) would walk to her house once we were done. Once there, we would invite friends over. Those friends usually included boys we liked. Once adult bible study was done, “the lookout” would call to let us know the adults were on their way. We never got caught.

What’s funny is my uncle was always upstairs but we knew it was unlikely that he would come downstairs, move or even breath. Most of the time, we would be outside talking (which we could’ve done at church) but you know, we wanted to be sneaky and badass (we as in people I won’t mention and me). Since my mom is the only one who reads this blog, I would like to apologize and ask that you wait until after my birthday to snitch. I don’t want this to effect my gifts and your mom making me a sweet potato pie. We all we got.

If you guys liked this post, you’ll be excited about what I reveal in another 15 years! Read and share my previous post: 10-Months-Old, Parties Like a Broke Rockstar & Does Not Care If We Get Sleep. Follow me most places @pinkgumbeaux

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7-MONTHS-OLD, UNEMPLOYED & STILL DROOLING

Yes, Baby Gumbeaux still exists. Unless you follow Baby Gumbeaux on social media, you have no idea what we’ve been up to. Most recent Facebook and Twitter posts are about phantom poop smells, chew toys, making a quilt out of my C-section panties and nursing bras, and twerking to ABC Mouse.

Baby Gumbeaux is basically grown but has yet to secure the employment necessary to pay for daycare, diapers, and food. She is 15 pounds and 25-inches-long, a third of my height. Don’t be surprised if she’s taller than me by kindergarten. She has a ton of personality; specifically, my personality. She runs the staff at her daycare, only allowing a couple of teachers to hold and feed her, gets annoyed when other babies get “too much attention,” and often accompanies her teacher on her lunch breaks. Baby Gumbeaux has three boyfriends ranging from babies to toddlers that, visit her every morning and afternoon. She runs the toddlers too. Just last week, she mowed over two toddlers while in her walker, and they just let it happen.

Unless you approach her with a compliment, she likely won’t allow you to touch or hold her. Don’t blink or breath near her or she may start screaming. She often snatches her hand away from people and occasionally lets out a baby kick. Not too surprising since I usually don’t like people touching me either. During a trip to New Orleans last week, she wouldn’t allow anyone to hold her. Well, just the kids and only because she thinks she’s one of them.

Baby Gumbeaux is eating baby food and tried mashed potatoes a couple of times. I tried to feed her scrambled eggs, but she spit it out. I think the texture is weird to her. Have I ever mentioned I am an extremely picky eater so seeing her reject a ton of food should be fun?

She thinks she is grown, so her preference is to try to walk and has thrown a baby middle finger to crawling. Her favorite pastime includes watching me get ready and laughing when I dance. I have yet to determine if she’s laughing with or at me. She has no rhythm, so the joke’s on her. Baby Gumbeaux is a rebel so, homegirl still does not sleep through the night. Interestingly, when we are getting ready for work, she usually goes back to sleep. I don’t think so sis; you should’ve slept last night. It’s time for daycare.

I am fairly certain I am going to ditch Baby Gumbeaux’s Instagram and Facebook. They are the same people who follow Pink Gumbeaux. We’ll stay on Twitter because we have a bit of an audience @babygumbeaux. Read and share my previous post: Talking Gumbeaux.

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TALKING GUMBEAUX

Names and details have been changed to protect the identity and privacy of the individual I’m judging. 

A couple of weeks ago, a couple of friends and I met up for cocktails, to see Deadpool 2 and to get into middle-age trouble.

Note: None of us are middle-aged. 

Shortly after the movie started, a very odd thing happened. My friend started talking but while the movie was playing. Have you ever experienced something so horrific? You probably have, if you’ve ever been in a theater full of black people. She congratulated actors (Zazie Olivia Beetz and Terry Crews) for “getting their coins,” provided commentary, and sung all of the songs. It was such a confusing experience, I may need counseling.

Overall, I thought it was funny and decided to briefly interview her. I wanted to get to the bottom of this phenomenon. Surprisingly, she complied.

Pink Gumbeaux: Have you ever been to a movie theater?

Talking Gumbeaux: Yes.

Pink Gumbeaux: I don’t remember if you had a cocktail during happy hour. If so, were you drunk?

Talking Gumbeaux: I had one cocktail but I personally pregamed before the happy hour… and on the way to the movie.

Pink Gumbeaux: Why do you people talk through movies? 

Talking Gumbeaux: To give credit to the actors and directors that had a hand in such great work. When I react, the film has earned my coins.

Pink Gumbeaux: You were really excited to see a couple of the actors and even yelled “yassss, get those coins.” Why Sway?

Talking Gumbeaux: As a consumer, I thoroughly enjoyed the presence of actors that are developing their careers and appearing in reputable films.

Pink Gumbeaux: Do you think your outbursts are linked to issues from your childhood?

Talking Gumbeaux: No, lol. I usually watch movies alone and never had to accommodate others.

Note: We were not in her living room but in a movie theater where I paid extra to reserve seats.

Pink Gumbeaux: You sung all of the songs. Why do you know so much classic rock from the 80s? You weren’t even born.

Talking Gumbeaux: My mother didn’t change the radio stations much and I worked in an arts and crafts store.

Pink Gumbeaux: If we ever go to the movies again (we won’t), will you behave like a good noodle?

Talking Gumbeaux: I don’t make promises I can’t keep sooo, probably not…. side note: the Incredibles come out this weekend.

Shout out to my friend for being a good sport, I would’ve never participated in bullshit like this. Oh well, follow me @pinkgumbeaux. Read my previous post, it’s basically 3 minutes of excuses: HELLO! IS IT ME YOU’RE LOOKING FOR?

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THE WEDDING OF THE CENTURY


Some names and details have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals I’m gossiping about. Just kidding! A couple of weeks ago, Husband and I were informed of his uncle’s wedding. A bit surprising since he was already married to the PYT no one had met yet. Last Wednesday, Uncle calls and apologizes for not informing Husband of his wedding sooner but hope we could attend. Of course, I wanted to go! Free food? Wedding cake? And in the words of messy family, “I want to see how she looks.”

We were instructed to arrive at the wedding 2 hours prior since we were transporting Father-in-Law who happened to be the Best Man. I was told the wedding would take place about 30 minutes outside of Jackson and slept during the ride because… pregnant. Upon opening my eyes, I saw an alter, food, tables and chairs. I exclaim “so, the whole wedding is outside?” I had already concluded that I would likely spend the entire wedding in the car. It’s hot and muggy, then grass! Do you know what grass is full of? Bugs and whatever makes me breakout into hives and have eczema outbreaks. Anyway, a few minutes later Father-in-Law told me “baby girl, you ought to get out of the car.” Me: I’m not sitting outside. Then, Husband told me Uncle would be transporting us to the main house so we won’t have to be stuck outside until the wedding starts. The main house?

Turns out, we were on over 100 acres of Mystery Bride’s Family Member’s property who is a plumber that moonlights as a pastor in a town I’ve never heard of. There were houses and trailers all over; as a result, of allowing family to build on his property. It basically looked like a neighborhood that had not been approved by the Zoning Board. Nice guy, nice concept but I would not want to stay near family; unless, they feed me.

The main house was not the antebellum mansion I imagined in my head but big enough. We were greeted by a ton of super nice strangers including a woman who kept referring to Uncle as “Unc.” They seemed mighty comfortable with “Unc” which was interesting because we had never met Mystery Bride or her family *stares*

It was finally time for the wedding. Then, we were told the carriage was outside. The carriage? Yep! There was a giant black horse featuring 80 inches of yaky, a carriage and a little black man with a top hat. Now I know horse and carriages can transform weddings into fairy tales but at this moment, I felt like I had traveled back a couple of centuries and that it was a strong possibility I owned slaves. We were helped into the carriage and up the gravel road we went. The ride was worse than any roller coaster I have ever been on. Not only was the road rocky but extremely hilly so I was fully prepared to fly out the carriage at any moment but we made it back to the location of the wedding and I didn’t vomit. Gold star for Ashlee! Anyway, while leaving the carriage, people begun taking photos of us like we were some type of backwoods royalty. At this moment, Husband’s Aunt informed me that my slip was rolled up. I had on one of those skirts that is see-through with a short slip under so I proceeded to raise the see-through part and pulled my slip down in front of all the guests. All they saw was a little thigh, not that big of a deal. If I hadn’t adjusted it, they would’ve seen way more than that. After being seated, the carriage went back to pick up the bridesmaids and bride. I guess the wait was too long (approximately 5 minutes) because Father-In-Law’s feet started hurting so he sat down. Although the bridesmaids had arrived and were walking down the aisle, homeboy was still sitting down.

Finally, Mystery Bride arrived. As she made her way down the aisle, I turned to Husband and told him “I have to use the bathroom” then laughed hysterically. I think it’s worth mentioning that everyone used the bathroom before getting in the carriage but me. I turned to one of the what in modern times would be considered a wedding worker or maybe server but because it was 1817, you know what they are… Anyway, she pointed to the nearest house where I went to potty 🙂

A few minutes later, I was back at the wedding in time for the vows which could not be heard over the generators powering the giant fans because it was hot and muggy. Shortly after, they exchanged rings and a very, long and uncomfortable tongue-kiss ensued. Very dramatic for people who are already married if you ask me. After, the happy couple was whisked off by the horse with yaky and carriage for a wardrobe change. Yes, a wardrobe change. Meanwhile, the wedding cake was doing a shoulder and gansta lean. It was hot as hell and the cake appeared to be melting and giving up on life.

We were then informed we could eat. I was first up but then wanted to sit back down. There was fried chicken, what appeared to be hot wings, fruit, some type of pasta that looked like it could’ve also been a salad, meatballs (I think), pinwheels and sandwiches. Did no one inform the wedding planner that I only came for the food and not for one of those free conferences that say “lunch provided” then when you get to lunch, you realize that you’re going to have to leave for a real lunch? I got 2 pieces of fried chicken that appeared to have garlic sprinkled on it, strawberries, grapes and cheese. Once Husband arrived at the table, I asked him if we were going out to eat after we left the wedding. He shook his head, my Father-in-Law laughed.

The happy couple returned and were informed they needed to cut the leaning tower of wedding cake because it was about 2 seconds from committing suicide. The cake was beautiful. It was 3 layers covered in roses. Watching them take the top layer of the cake off was fun. You know, the part they eat in a year? Anyway, It started to fall apart mid air but they caught it and will be able to enjoy their blob of a cake once the year comes around. Speaking of the cake, it was pretty good but was stale when I ate a piece the next day. They should’ve got their cake the same place my mom got my grandmother’s cake for her 84th birthday, 2 weekends ago. Her cake was still moist the next day.

Most of “Unc’s” family didn’t make it to their first grass dance. We were ready to go; especially, Father-in-Law aka the Best Man. You guys, it was literally an hour and twenty minutes after but you know heat is draining. Everyone and their outside stench hopped in Husband’s car, I fell asleep again and woke up as we pulled up to Father-in-Law’s home. I guess it wasn’t so bad.

Fin.

Oh, I almost forgot. Congrats to the newlyweds! I wish you guys a long and happy marriage. And, this happy couple is responsible for planning the next family reunion. I wonder if the horse with yaky and carriage will make an appearance. Fried catfish and family members can be transported back and forth which could be helpful. The horse would surely be entertaining to kids who can braid it’s hair and put little beads at the end. I wonder if we could get a family reunion shirt for the horse. That would be nice.

Read and share my previous post: Another Blog Post Complaining About Pregnancy Ft. Baby Gumbeaux