All posts tagged “Humor

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“GIRLS TRIP” FT. BABY GUMBEAUX

Last weekend, we took a short trip home, to New Orleans to celebrate a list of things Baby Gumbeaux didn’t agree to celebrate. Because it was Father’s Day, Zaddy Gumbeaux ditched us to get some rest so it looks like it was just us girls which made this a “Girl’s Trip.” Once back home, in Jackson, Baby Gumbeaux proceeded to express her grievances. In no particular order, they include:

  • 2-hour drive, out past bedtime.
  • Great Maw Maw and Paw Paw’s hot-ass house.
  • Waking me up for breakfast.
  • Mommy telling me I “can’t just eat the biscuit, that I have to eat the other breakfast.”
  • Paw Paw not paying attention to me.
  • Paw Paw paying attention to me.
  • Bath time.
  • Mommy combing my hair.
  • Paw Paw touching me.
  • Paw Paw not touching me.
  • Mommy walking out of the room.
  • Mommy getting dressed.
  • Mommy not paying attention to me.
  • Being sleepy.
  • Mommy making me take a nap because I am sleepy.
  • Mommy waking me up from my nap.
  • Car seat, again?
  • Hungry.
  • Other Paw Paw, why do I have two Paw Paws?
  • Lunch being too hot.
  • Fries.
  • Mommy telling me to “eat my own food,” I want her food.
  • Mommy not letting me drink her pretty drink, something about me being “underage.”
  • Shoes.
  • Socks.
  • More family. What’s a family? Who are these people?
  • Family talking to me.
  • Hungry.
  • Mommy cutting my food up, I am a grown and independent toddler who don’t need no man.
  • Me choking, Mommy should’ve cut my food up.
  • Mommy asking me to eat the other stuff.
  • Mommy touching someone named “her little brother.”
  • Some lady (aunt) touching Mommy, saying “it’s my Ashlee.” Who’s Ashlee?
  • Me Me touching Mommy, these people are the worse!
  • Some lady (aunt) giving me cake.
  • Some lady (aunt) not giving me cake.
  • Mommy making me leave. I won’t go down without a fight!
  • Chuck E. Cheese.
  • Mommy not letting me hold wine at Trader Joe’s.
  • Hungry.
  • Paw Paw touching me.
  • Paw Paw kissing me.
  • Mommy making me eat.
  • Car ride.
  • Hungry, why is mommy not feeding me?
  • Where is Daddy? I’ve asked this before.

Her constant outrage prompted my mother to give me a call, warning me to “prepare for her independence and strong will.” First of all, I’m from the 9th Ward. I ain’t scared of a 19-month-old who still uses a pacifier at home but isn’t brave enough to walk in her truth and use it at school. Secondly, my aunts and mom talk about my independence and strong will like it’s a curse. It’s hereditary, I get it from them. And, it’ll be nice to see where that attitude goes when molded properly opposed to endless punishment and nonstop church activities. Side note: Fairly certain, I’m still on punishment. If not, my mom will likely confiscate my phone and TV after reading this or maybe I will not pay her phone bill until she shows me some respect. I’m the captain now!

Anyway, my blogging game is not what it used to be but in the event your heart aches in my absence, follow me @pinkgumbeaux on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

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FUN FACTS MY PARENTS (AND GRANDPARENTS) DON’T KNOW!

The names and details have been changed to protect the identity of family and friends who can still get their asses whipped. I stay out-of-state and am willing to take one for the team. Plus, I ain’t never scared but mostly because my mom has a bad memory. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

While attempting to get through the work day, I decided to listen to artists and groups I was obsessed with but hadn’t listened to in a while. I started with Dru Hill which resulted in a series of posts:

So if you could not tell by the title, there may be several a few things my parents and grandparents are unaware of.

As a super Christian, my mother didn’t allow me to listen to secular music. Not only did my grandparents buy me Dru Hill’s album but I had Ginuwine (which often included a series of photos; notably, shirtless Ginuwine). What they didn’t buy me (yet I somehow had access to) was Juvenile’s 400 Degreez (which is the ideal temperature for frozen pizza because I like a little crisp). Anyway, this album features what should be the national anthem: Back That Azz Up. Hey Mom, did you know Sister Jennie popped me with a rolled up piece of newspaper for throwing it in a circle at one of my middle school dances? In my defense, I was not the only one twerking but got caught. Typical.

Speaking of throwing it in a circle, I learned to twerk at a very young age from someone who shall remain nameless. Very controversial outside of New Orleans but pretty much the norm there because… Bounce Music. Instructions: Arch your back and pop your butt up and down slowly but forcefully. You will gain speed over time and with practice you may become an expert, middle-aged rump shaker like me. Most of you will never achieve this level of excellence because you don’t have heart. Stay stiff.

Shorty after starting high school, I became a bibliophile overnight. No one questioned it because reading was a constructive habit. It started when a friend suggested I read the Coldest Winter Ever (which I read in 2 days or less). Then, I asked my grandfather if he could start buying me books. He accompanied me to the book store and bought me two books a week from 10th grade to college. What he didn’t know is he wasn’t just paying for teen drama and fantasy. There were some gangsta novels and erotica. I always had Zane’s newest books.

Last but certainly not least is what I like to call “Bible Study and Chill.” In high school, Thursday was bible study night. First, children then adults (I am not sure who came up with such a inconvenient schedule for parents). Anyway, my grandmother stayed near so we (people who shall remain nameless and me) would walk to her house once we were done. Once there, we would invite friends over. Those friends usually included boys we liked. Once adult bible study was done, “the lookout” would call to let us know the adults were on their way. We never got caught.

What’s funny is my uncle was always upstairs but we knew it was unlikely that he would come downstairs, move or even breath. Most of the time, we would be outside talking (which we could’ve done at church) but you know, we wanted to be sneaky and badass (we as in people I won’t mention and me). Since my mom is the only one who reads this blog, I would like to apologize and ask that you wait until after my birthday to snitch. I don’t want this to effect my gifts and your mom making me a sweet potato pie. We all we got.

If you guys liked this post, you’ll be excited about what I reveal in another 15 years! Read and share my previous post: 10-Months-Old, Parties Like a Broke Rockstar & Does Not Care If We Get Sleep. Follow me most places @pinkgumbeaux

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7-MONTHS-OLD, UNEMPLOYED & STILL DROOLING

Yes, Baby Gumbeaux still exists. Unless you follow Baby Gumbeaux on social media, you have no idea what we’ve been up to. Most recent Facebook and Twitter posts are about phantom poop smells, chew toys, making a quilt out of my C-section panties and nursing bras, and twerking to ABC Mouse.

Baby Gumbeaux is basically grown but has yet to secure the employment necessary to pay for daycare, diapers, and food. She is 15 pounds and 25-inches-long, a third of my height. Don’t be surprised if she’s taller than me by kindergarten. She has a ton of personality; specifically, my personality. She runs the staff at her daycare, only allowing a couple of teachers to hold and feed her, gets annoyed when other babies get “too much attention,” and often accompanies her teacher on her lunch breaks. Baby Gumbeaux has three boyfriends ranging from babies to toddlers that, visit her every morning and afternoon. She runs the toddlers too. Just last week, she mowed over two toddlers while in her walker, and they just let it happen.

Unless you approach her with a compliment, she likely won’t allow you to touch or hold her. Don’t blink or breath near her or she may start screaming. She often snatches her hand away from people and occasionally lets out a baby kick. Not too surprising since I usually don’t like people touching me either. During a trip to New Orleans last week, she wouldn’t allow anyone to hold her. Well, just the kids and only because she thinks she’s one of them.

Baby Gumbeaux is eating baby food and tried mashed potatoes a couple of times. I tried to feed her scrambled eggs, but she spit it out. I think the texture is weird to her. Have I ever mentioned I am an extremely picky eater so seeing her reject a ton of food should be fun?

She thinks she is grown, so her preference is to try to walk and has thrown a baby middle finger to crawling. Her favorite pastime includes watching me get ready and laughing when I dance. I have yet to determine if she’s laughing with or at me. She has no rhythm, so the joke’s on her. Baby Gumbeaux is a rebel so, homegirl still does not sleep through the night. Interestingly, when we are getting ready for work, she usually goes back to sleep. I don’t think so sis; you should’ve slept last night. It’s time for daycare.

I am fairly certain I am going to ditch Baby Gumbeaux’s Instagram and Facebook. They are the same people who follow Pink Gumbeaux. We’ll stay on Twitter because we have a bit of an audience @babygumbeaux. Read and share my previous post: Talking Gumbeaux.

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TALKING GUMBEAUX

Names and details have been changed to protect the identity and privacy of the individual I’m judging. 

A couple of weeks ago, a couple of friends and I met up for cocktails, to see Deadpool 2 and to get into middle-age trouble.

Note: None of us are middle-aged. 

Shortly after the movie started, a very odd thing happened. My friend started talking but while the movie was playing. Have you ever experienced something so horrific? You probably have, if you’ve ever been in a theater full of black people. She congratulated actors (Zazie Olivia Beetz and Terry Crews) for “getting their coins,” provided commentary, and sung all of the songs. It was such a confusing experience, I may need counseling.

Overall, I thought it was funny and decided to briefly interview her. I wanted to get to the bottom of this phenomenon. Surprisingly, she complied.

Pink Gumbeaux: Have you ever been to a movie theater?

Talking Gumbeaux: Yes.

Pink Gumbeaux: I don’t remember if you had a cocktail during happy hour. If so, were you drunk?

Talking Gumbeaux: I had one cocktail but I personally pregamed before the happy hour… and on the way to the movie.

Pink Gumbeaux: Why do you people talk through movies? 

Talking Gumbeaux: To give credit to the actors and directors that had a hand in such great work. When I react, the film has earned my coins.

Pink Gumbeaux: You were really excited to see a couple of the actors and even yelled “yassss, get those coins.” Why Sway?

Talking Gumbeaux: As a consumer, I thoroughly enjoyed the presence of actors that are developing their careers and appearing in reputable films.

Pink Gumbeaux: Do you think your outbursts are linked to issues from your childhood?

Talking Gumbeaux: No, lol. I usually watch movies alone and never had to accommodate others.

Note: We were not in her living room but in a movie theater where I paid extra to reserve seats.

Pink Gumbeaux: You sung all of the songs. Why do you know so much classic rock from the 80s? You weren’t even born.

Talking Gumbeaux: My mother didn’t change the radio stations much and I worked in an arts and crafts store.

Pink Gumbeaux: If we ever go to the movies again (we won’t), will you behave like a good noodle?

Talking Gumbeaux: I don’t make promises I can’t keep sooo, probably not…. side note: the Incredibles come out this weekend.

Shout out to my friend for being a good sport, I would’ve never participated in bullshit like this. Oh well, follow me @pinkgumbeaux. Read my previous post, it’s basically 3 minutes of excuses: HELLO! IS IT ME YOU’RE LOOKING FOR?