All posts tagged “Health

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STORYTIME 1: THE THIRST IS REAL 

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If my experiences can help at least one person, I’ve done my job.

So…

While in a work meeting (which are usually lengthy), I got super thirsty. Without consciously giving it any thought, I grabbed a bottle of water and started drinking it. I felt refreshed and thought to myself, I really need to drink more water. Minutes later, it dawned on me that I did not bring water to this meeting!!!! Note: During the last meeting, I was informed we could no longer bring water into the meeting.

I silently lost my shit. I’m trying not to draw any attention to myself because this is a packed meeting and I’m sitting in the front. So I ask one of my colleagues “is this your water?” She said no and I thought thank God! We don’t like each other much so if I drunk after someone, let it be someone I like! She asked another colleague and confirmed it was hers. I like her a little and she always has good candy but we not cool like that. Not in a drinking after, possible backwash kind of way…

My throat starts closing, I think I heard her sneeze but I’m not sure. I start thinking the worst. What if my lips fall off? I just need all of my prayer warriors to say a prayer for me. I’m about to take a Zicam, rinse with holy water and meditate.

Did this happen because I talked about Alicia Keys yesterday? Did Illuminati do this to me?

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DRUNK YOGA 

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Up until Wednesday, the last time I did yoga was in 2008 or 2009.  I attended a business networking event that fused yoga with booze opposed to the traditional business presentations and networking. They had me at wine, yoga was an afterthought.

According to the dictionary:

Yoga is any of the methods or disciplines prescribed, especially a series of postures and breathing exercises practiced to achieve control of the body and mind, tranquility, etc.

So, my first time doing yoga was weird. The room was dark (which means I wouldn’t be able to see if someone was trying to shank me), there was a diffuser spraying a light mist of essential oils (and possibly some type of mystery toxin), and soft music playing. Basically, an intimate setting. Is this yoga or the night of my honeymoon?

Then there was the yoga poses that I couldn’t quite get. I’m not flexible at all. This resulted in the yoga teacher putting her paws on me to help me into different poses. At the end of the class, we had to meditate and the instructor massaged us individually. Basically, I felt like I was a part of some sort of orgy.

This time around, I had a couple of glasses of wine before assuming the position(s). The poses were easier and could even be done at my desk at work. Like if I get annoyed by a situation, I just go into Downward-Facing Dog. After class, I felt super relaxed and even happy. I called my mom and told her to “stay positive” in which she responded with “you’re drunk as a skunk.” I texted my dad “I love you” and never received a response. I attempted to hug my little brother but failed. I sent virtual hugs to my friends via Facebook Messenger. And, it wasn’t just the booze because I felt the same the next day. Maybe I ought to incorporate this into my routine a few days a week.

Although the ladies of Joyflow Yoga did an absolutely awesome job instructing us, I am too poor for membership and will likely look up a few moves on YouTube.

Nameste.

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I WORKED OUT AT THE POLICE ACADEMY AND NEARLY DIED

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As usual, I’m over exaggerating…

A few weeks ago, I was asked to serve as my department’s representative for my employer’s wellness committee. At that meeting an officer informed us that they hosted FREE workout classes, 3 times a week at the police academy. I told her I would try it out, I’m down to mix up my workout routine. Then, it dawned on me that I’m going to go to a police academy to workout… From physically fit police officers… Another dumb decision on my part, typical Ashlee.

Upon arrival, I was informed that I should sign a release form. I should’ve walked out. I was then informed that I should stretch so I did some cute stretches then started tweeting you guys.

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Then, someone rolled up on me like “you may want to stretch.” And I’m thinking “back up off me, I’ve already stretched my brother.” Turns out, he was one of the instructors. Once class started he told us, “this is going to be tough, get mentally prepared.” So, why didn’t he tell me this when I pulled up? When I walked in? When I signed the attendance form? When I stretched, twice? I should’ve walked out.

An obstacle course was laid out across the gym. We had to do push ups, lift giant ropes, jumping jacks, the mountain climber exercise, squats, crunches, more leg exercises, laps, more leg exercises, laps and you’ve probably guessed it…MORE LEG EXERCISES.

The most important lesson I learned was teamwork. Instead of laughing at people, you’re supposed to motivate them. It was my first time, no one told me. Another reason teamwork is important is because if we didn’t do the excercises in sync, we had to start all over. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

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After an hour, the class just ended. No cool down, no soothing breathing exercises, and no stretching. Just “good work and come back if you want to be fine.” So the big question, am I going back? After being warned with a release form? Double stretching? Wheezing? A full body ache? Of course I am! I WANT TO BE FINE!

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Oh and shoutout to the new friend I made. I suffer from chronic hives and came in there all swollen. She was like “girl, I have hives too.” Then, we discussed all the medications we were on and how none of them work. Anyway…

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THE TOOTH SHALL SET ME FREE

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As husband drove me to the oral surgeon for the extraction of my wisdom teeth, I couldn’t help but feel like I was turing myself in to serve a 10-year bid in federal prison. It had me thinking, where is my support system? Why isn’t my whole family here to see me off? Who’s going to deposit money into my commissary?

Upon arrival, I had to initial a list of things the surgeon wouldn’t be respondible for. It included but was not limited to chipped teeth, broken jaw, chapped lips, kidney removal, etc…

While paying for the procedure, the dental assistant noticed the book husband brought with him. It was about tiny houses which is cool but not of importance when I’m busy thinking about worst-case scenarios such as the aforementioned kidney removal.

Once in the room and getting prepped for the surgery of my life, I asked the oral surgeon if she remembered me. 5 or 6 years earlier, she extracted a tooth. It took approximately 30 minutes before I even let her put the IV in my arm. My fear of needles is real but this time, I wanted it to be a quick process. I knew it would be a matter of minutes before I would be sleeping.

Side note: Why do people say it’s the best sleep ever? How will I know it’s the best sleep ever if I’m sleeping?

I was told the first 48 hours would be the worst. There was a lot of blood, I spent my whole weekend in a haze, and it is still difficult for me to open my mouth. It was especially hard to eat and drink with my icepack mask; thereby, resulting in me dropping mashed potatoes in my mask. Overall, it was not as bad as I expected. Likely due to getting only one side of my wisdom teeth pulled and being drugged the entire weekend.

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ENLIGHTENMENT THROUGH WISDOM TEETH PAIN

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Source: Tumblr

It was just last month (Read: Thoughts During My Semi-Annual Dental Exam) when I had my dental exam. Once again, they were concerned about my wisdom teeth and encouraged me to schedule a consultation with an oral surgeon. Of course, I blew the dentist off. What does he know? I’ve had my wisdom teeth forever and it’s not always necessary to get them removed.

I went back to my usual: working, being paranoid about my dissertation, avoiding people and dabbing on my haters until I started feeling a little pain this past Sunday. Each day it intensified so I proceeded with the consultation, obtained a prescription for antibiotics and pain and scheduled the extraction (April 1st). Thing is, I have a very high tolerance for pain medication so…I’m still in excruciating pain but hopefully the antibiotics will take care of that in a few days.

My wisdom teeth are backstabbing bastards. First, I have 6 of them. One in particular is laying horizontal, off on its own, doing what the hell it wants. That tooth won’t be able to be fully removed. The dentist said something about it effecting a nerve and possibly loosing feeling in my bottom lip so…yeah, go ahead and leave half of that mutha there. Due to my particular case, I should expect to experience hell-like pain for 48 hours and a longer than usual recovery. Oh joy.

This got me thinking, what have I done to deserve this? I’ve listed some things I can change in exchange for the universe forgiving me and removing my pain. In no particular order:

  1. Giving up my resting bitch face for a “genuine” smile.
  2. Not picking fights with toddlers behind their parent’s backs at grocery stores.
  3. No longer judging women who line their lips and eyebrows with black liner.
  4. No longer wearing tights as pants on weekends.
  5. No longer wishing they would cut the scenes of Kim Fields from the Real Housewives of Atlanta.
  6. No longer wishing that the guy with the lace front locs get killed off the Walking Dead.
  7. No longer mentally covering my ears every time the choir sings. It’s not them, it’s me.
  8. No longer threatening my brother when he eats my leftovers. What’s mine is yours little brother.
  9. Maybe, possibly…forming relationships with new family (i.e. My stepmonster stepmother).
  10. Not judging Jaynae for not wearing color (Read: Panic! At the Lip Color).
  11. Not making my mother-in-law watch marathons of Big Freedia: Queen of Bounce again.
  12. Cleaning my car trunk.
  13. Not being socially weird at church and “touching” my neighbors as instructed.
  14. Limiting my use of emojis.
  15. Not wishing that men with cul-de-sac hairlines would just shave all of their hair off. Do you boo.

Just writing this list is easing the pain or the Hydrocodone just kicked in… When you know better, you do better. When you do better, your mouth won’t hurt and you won’t have to get your wisdom teeth removed. I hope to have changed at least one life with this post.

God bless America!

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