All posts tagged “Fitness

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Note: This does post not contain any pictures or videos of me on the pole because I can’t trust you guys (not you mom, I can trust you).

Last Thursday, my “friend” at Silent Socialite asked me if I knew about Taboo Dance and Aerial Fitness‘ Holiday Pole Jam. I was like nah but that seems fun. Another friend encouraged it, stating it would be a great opportunity to make new friends and I love making new friends because I am so friendly (I’m not). Then, I decided it would be too much socializing, I didn’t have any shorts (which was suggested on the site), plus it cost $35. Do you people think I’m Bill Gates? But, I was unsuccessful in getting out of it, took out a second mortgage and bought my ticket (first of all, I don’t have a first mortgage), and bought shorts from Old Navy that showed more thigh than I was comfortable with. I invited the friends I thought was most likely to have rhythm.

It was Friday night and I was wondering what should one eat before swinging around a pole. I settled on wine and a baked potato Baby Gumbeaux ate most of. Upon arrival, my “friend” was just getting out of her car, we entered the building together, and was encouraged to drink. Drinking then hitting the pole seemed dangerous but whatevs.

It was time to start and opposed to the traditional stretching, we twerked it out to City Girls. This, I can do. I had been waiting for an opportunity to twerk outside of my living room. Now, to the pole. At this point, I would like to explain why my friend received quotation marks. There was a lot of chorography to be learned in two hours, is this the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater? Not to mention, I had to keep spraying rubbing alcohol on my hands to grip the pole. I thought I should arrive like a melanin goddess so I applied Vaseline, cocoa butter and glitter before arrival. It should’ve been common sense that arriving as a greasy and glittery chicken strip would prohibit me from gripping the pole but sense isn’t always common.

We were split into two groups and each time it was my group’s turn, I envisioned killing my performance and I most definitely killed something, just not the routine. Overall, I had fun. So much fun that I was ready to join the class and become a competitive pole dancer, my true purpose. But first, I need to ditch the basic bitch gym membership I have so if there are any doctors or lawyers who can get me out of this contract, email me.

Side note: I was sore af the next day. Not sure I left the bed much that day. To be quite honest, my knees still hurt. Why do my knees hurt? Anyway, follow me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram @pinkgumbeaux. And, I have a podcast! It’s for transplants and sometimes locals which may never apply to you but check it out anyway, I need the numbers.

I love us for real.

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Friday ended my “Today’s the Day 7-Week Fitness Plan” with Ann Musico. Mom introduced me to Ann as a result of my conversation with her about my employer’s clinic making it rain in Adipex.

Mom: That stuff has really bad side effects and could even lead to death.

Me: At least I’ll die skinny…

Mom: You need to do it the old fashioned way, you need to call my nutritionist.

Note: Mom has lost a lot of weight and thinks she’s all that. Also, one of my Grandmothers was hating because she worked for Weight Watchers for 30 Years and told me to join them instead. My question to her: “Do you have Weight Watchers money?” Actually, I didn’t say it exactly like that… 

After a brief phone conversation with Ann, I had to complete a survey that included questions regarding my eating, physical, and mental habits. I was a little shocked by that. I didn’t consider the impact my mental health had on my eating habits. I also had to log my meals for 3 days so she could analyze my eating habits and provide me with a meal plan.

Once I was all signed up (and paid the fee), I got a host of resources which included the Today’s the Day book, weekly information on power foods, and daily advice and encouragement via email. And, she was always available. I usually communicated with her via text where I would ask her what I could eat, be sad when she told me no, and even made her my life coach and therapist.

At first, I was super excited to start but shortly after, I wasn’t in the best headspace so I gave more of 68% than 100%. Even with that, I still lost 8 pounds.

A few lessons:

  1. Increasing water intake is probably what contributed most to my weight loss.
  2. The mental part is super important, the most important aspect.
  3. It helps to have a support system. A couple of friends started the same time as me and even Husband changed a few things and lost 5 pounds. Now, Mom and I are thinking about joining the maintenance program.
  4. Eating healthy is hella expensive and boring but loosing weight will motivate you to keep going.
  5. Each day is a new day to do better. If you fail the first day, there is always the next day or next week.
  6. Eating better eliminated my hives. Every now and then, they come for me when I didn’t send for them but I was able to ditch my meds (5 pills a day). Although, dodging the sun is equally effective. Mom, does that make us vampires? Being allergic to the sun? That explains a lot…
  7. I have a tad bit more energy (can also  be linked to ditching the meds).
  8. When I try to eat things I used to eat, it makes me sick. Stomach to me: “I don’t want that bulls***!!!”
  9. You’re going to start craving your new lifestyle. Sometimes I can’t wait to drink water or eat fruit and veggies. On the other hand, I still daydream about brownies…

I was really concerned not just about my weight gain but also my health. I’m susceptible to Hypertension and Diabetes and guess what? I’m scared of needles so do you think I’m going to be able to prick myself several times a day to test my  Blood Glucose? I would cry each time and need someone to hold my hand. AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT. Are people still saying that?

For more information about the “Today’s the Day 7-Week Fitness Plan” (and other plans), visit Three Dimensional Vitality

Side note: But if you know anyone who got the hookup on Adipex, and if you could ship it without Mom knowing, inbox me. 

Just kidding…ish.

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As usual, I’m over exaggerating…

A few weeks ago, I was asked to serve as my department’s representative for my employer’s wellness committee. At that meeting an officer informed us that they hosted FREE workout classes, 3 times a week at the police academy. I told her I would try it out, I’m down to mix up my workout routine. Then, it dawned on me that I’m going to go to a police academy to workout… From physically fit police officers… Another dumb decision on my part, typical Ashlee.

Upon arrival, I was informed that I should sign a release form. I should’ve walked out. I was then informed that I should stretch so I did some cute stretches then started tweeting you guys.



Then, someone rolled up on me like “you may want to stretch.” And I’m thinking “back up off me, I’ve already stretched my brother.” Turns out, he was one of the instructors. Once class started he told us, “this is going to be tough, get mentally prepared.” So, why didn’t he tell me this when I pulled up? When I walked in? When I signed the attendance form? When I stretched, twice? I should’ve walked out.

An obstacle course was laid out across the gym. We had to do push ups, lift giant ropes, jumping jacks, the mountain climber exercise, squats, crunches, more leg exercises, laps, more leg exercises, laps and you’ve probably guessed it…MORE LEG EXERCISES.

The most important lesson I learned was teamwork. Instead of laughing at people, you’re supposed to motivate them. It was my first time, no one told me. Another reason teamwork is important is because if we didn’t do the excercises in sync, we had to start all over. Ain’t nobody got time for that!


After an hour, the class just ended. No cool down, no soothing breathing exercises, and no stretching. Just “good work and come back if you want to be fine.” So the big question, am I going back? After being warned with a release form? Double stretching? Wheezing? A full body ache? Of course I am! I WANT TO BE FINE!



Oh and shoutout to the new friend I made. I suffer from chronic hives and came in there all swollen. She was like “girl, I have hives too.” Then, we discussed all the medications we were on and how none of them work. Anyway…

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Last Friday while on the elliptical at a respectable speed, I noticed a group of women (barely) running a lap around the gym. One of them was my coworker, I teased her as she passed by. Once at work, I told her I had always been curious about spin class but because I have common sense, I never tried it. She invited me to the next class, I accepted and even brought a friend (hey Jaynae).

Once in spin class, I was instructed to get a mat, weights (3, 5 and 8) and a towel. I never use a towel when working out, prissy workouts don’t require one. What I later learned is that this was no ordinary spin class, it would be a total body workout.

We started with 3 laps around the gym. Once back in the room, my friend turned to me and asked me something about the class. I told her it was my first time there. At that moment, I saw the trust she had in me leave her eyes.

We did squats, ran a lap, shadow boxed, ran a lap, crunches than ran ANOTHER lap. We held weights during each workout. With my respiratory issues, I was surprised I was able to run so many laps but it was likely because I wanted to out perform all the middle-aged women. I was dripping in sweat *whispers* even in my crotch


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After 30 minutes of that crap, we got on the bikes. The bikes were complex: There were 3 handle bars, a break lever, resistance knob (I think that’s what it’s called) and the seat which felt like broken bricks. Also, I had to adjust the seat to my height (vertically and horizontally).

We had to stand and peddle, bounce and peddle, sway left and right and peddle. She yelled ONE,  TWO, ONE, THREE referring to which handle bars to use. She also said something about adding resistance but at that point, I started to get lost in my thoughts. My whole life flashed before my eyes. I thought about the things I should’ve done, people I should’ve called and most importantly, the dumb decisions I’ve made. This class being one of them. Almost falling off the bike brought me back to the present.

After class, the instructors asked if I enjoyed and I replied “no.” Seriously, why would I enjoy something like this? She told me “the whole body workout would kick my metabolism into over drive.” Was she trying to convince me to return? We took a group selfie and out the door we went. In my car, I sat for a few moments trying to process what I had just been through. Once home, Husband gave me a big hug. I had such a hard day.


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As I type this with a raw butt (see “seat feels like broken bricks” reference above), I’m actually contemplating returning to the class. It’s only 3 times a week and gives great balance to my boring elliptical routine. But you guys know I can be a flake…

Update: I just completed my second class. The instructor even referenced me on the proper way to do one of the workouts. In a week or so, I’ll be the best student in class. Move over Brittany, I am coming for your throne. I know her name because people kept referencing how awesome she was -_- 

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