All posts tagged “First-time pregnancy

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BABY GUMBEAUX TURNS 1 MONTH OLD

Most importantly, I survived a month of motherhood. By the way, the word “motherhood” is super aggressive, is there an alternative?

About Baby Gumbeaux

In 1 month, I’ve changed numerous poop- and pee-filled diapers; although, sitting in dirty diapers and onesies is one of her favorite pastimes. By the way, she has already pooped and peed on me and vomited down my boobs which clearly demonstrates the level of respect she has for me.

She sounds like she’s having a panic attack when her pacifier isn’t in or near her mouth and screams like a banshee when we take too long to get her bottle.

She falls asleep when I play Diana Ross’s greatest hits, thinks “Tummy Time” is for chumps, and prefers listening to “5 Minute Minnie Tales” over all other books including the Bible which leads me to believe she’s probably Muslim.

The most challenging thing is the lack of sleep. She seems to be most alert when we are sleepy and spends the wee hours staring at us and probably hoping we turn into stone. Note: I have not received a full night of sleep since I was 19 weeks pregnant which means I’ve been deprived of sleep for nearly a f***ing year!

Update: Husband read this post and told me “don’t act like I don’t keep the baby overnight so you can sleep a few hours.”

Postpartum Depression

I prayed, meditated, spent my Ibotta cash on an album full of pregnancy and parenting affirmations and think I have a pretty good support system so I was well-prepared to bypass Postpartum Depression; however, it’s inevitable.

I cried more in the short period after having the baby then I did in the entire pregnancy and suffered from high blood pressure the first time in my life which resulted in a visit to my doctor’s office and the emergency room. To make matters worse, I still mull over the C-Section and not being able to produce a sufficient amount of breastmilk (although I am now working with a lactation doctor to change things).

I’m doing a lot better than my first few weeks but will chat with my OBGYN at my appointment to determine if I need additional help aka drugs!

Postpartum Body

I spent my entire pregnancy nauseous, with heartburn and acid reflux, and suffering from food aversion; as a result, I only gained 8 pounds. Sounds cool, right? Less weight to lose; however, it was something that could’ve put Baby at risk so it was not something I did intentionally.

Right before I started my 3rd Trimester, my OBGYN wanted me to gain 7 pounds. I gained 5, got sick, lost 5 then lost a few pounds prior to giving birth (which means I basically gained no weight).

What I do have is a weird stomach. When I left the hospital, I looked 6 months pregnant. I was told it takes time for swelling to go down and for everything to retract. The area immediately surrounding my belly button shakes like jello and the area below that is painful and the area below that area is still numb (probably from the C-Section). Last but not least, the stretch marks seem to have grown out of nowhere so I’ve increased the amount of times I exfoliate and am basically sliding around my apartment from all of the Cocoa Butter I’m wearing.

Well, you guys are uber nosy. Read and share my previous post: The Illuminati Created Fall Finales Follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram @pinkgumbeaux and @babygumbeaux

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THE FINAL TRIMESTER & ARRIVAL OF BABY GUMBEAUX

Baby Gumbeaux & Ugly Hospital Gown

Reader discretion is advised. This blog post contains TMI and may be considered a long read for people with small brains.

Each trimester was worse than the previous. At this point, I got accustomed to sleeping maybe a few hours a night, experienced acid reflux and heartburn all day, could not find a comfortable sitting or sleeping position and spent most of my waking hours agitated. How agitated? Enough for coworkers and bosses to keep asking me “when are you going on maternity leave?” On the other hand, a lot of those symptoms ended the moment I gave birth.

Induction

On November 12th, I arrived at the hospital 15 minutes after my scheduled check-in because I wanted nachos. I had to complete a couple of forms filling in basic information then got to the dumbest question on earth: “Why are you here?” Let’s see… 9 months pregnant, checking into “labor and delivery” and you’re asking me why I’m here? My response? To get this baby out of my body! The nurses thought it was a funny response.

As a result of my cervix not softening and not dilating, I agreed to be induced using a method called Foley Bulb Induction. My bed was lifted to what seemed like the ceiling then the balloon was inserted. I instantly started cramping and was informed it would likely be a painful and uncomfortable night. I was given sleeping pills that did not work.

12 hours later, Pennywise (OBGYN) removed the ballon. I had dilated 1 f***ing centimeter. Plan B? The use of Pitocin which I was on for 11 hours! Contractions got more intense but wasn’t enough for me to get the epidural they kept trying to shove down my throat. After dilating just 2 more centimeters, Pennywise informed me that she would give me 2 more hours but that it was highly likely I would have to get a C-section. I used that final hour to cry. I never considered a C-section, didn’t know much about C-sections, am not here for needles and sharp objects, IT’S MAJOR SURGERY, and recovery would be tougher for Baby Gumbeaux and I.

Delivery

They “graciously” allowed Husband to be with me while I got the Spinal Block (which immediately numbed my body). I asked Husband not to look while they conducted the C-section, I didn’t want him to be scarred for life. Thankfully, the process was super quick. They showed me Baby Gumbeaux and she is gorgeous. I was relieved because ugly babies exist.

Recovery

24 hours after being sliced like a pizza, hospital staff made me walk the hallways. This is the most challenging and painful thing I’ve ever encountered in my entire life. Of course I needed help walking, in and out of bed, when showering and using the bathroom which resulted in me being super comfortable with doctors and nurses seeing me in the nude. Side note: Why are those hospital gowns so unattractive? Who the f*** designs them? Most importantly, why do hospitals keep buying them?

Support

I felt it when I got pregnant and again after the baby. I don’t know how women do it without support. Husband has witnessed a blood clot the size of a baseball dropping out of me, has changed my bedpan and wiped my butt. Just to think, a few weeks ago I didn’t even poop in front of him.

My younger brother has witnessed me pumping on more than one occasion and has the pleasure of cleaning and disposing of bloody, poop and or urine-filled diapers and pads.

Mom’s in town, is super helpful, has been taking some of the midnight shift so we can sleep, telling me that I’m not feeding the baby enough, that I hold her too much (and that it will spoil her) then when I put her down, she proceeds to hold her…

Last but not least are my friends. I kind of struggled with the thought of raising a baby without my family. I had my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and tons of cousins. While Husband does have family here, I think they’ve aged out of the category where they can be super active. These friends are my family now. They have given me tons of advice, hosted my baby shower, bought Baby Gumbeaux a ton of stuff, volunteered to babysit, arrived at the hospital before me, have visited and been supportive postpartum. While I’m at it, I should spread the joy *gag* Family, coworkers, acquaintances, church members and even internet strangers have been helpful, supportive and made this transition a little easier. I mean, as easy as it can be when one is getting no sleep and peed on (4xs at this point).

Read and share past pregnancy posts:

Second Trimester: The Rise and Fall of the Incubator 

Shit Pregnant Wives Say to Their Husbands

Shit Husbands Say to Their Pregnant Wives

The Ultimate Guide to Being Knocked Up

Another Blog Post Complaining About Pregnancy

My “New” Maternity Wardrobe

The First Trimester

Hell Has Frozen over, Pigs Are Flying & I’m Pregnant

Like and follow Baby Gumbeaux on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

May the odds be ever in MY favor. What? I have a newborn, ain’t nobody thinking about you guys.

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SECOND TRIMESTER: THE RISE AND FALL OF THE INCUBATOR


Disclaimer: These are my symptoms, everyone is different. While my experience was not the worst, I am dramatic so it was the worst. 

“Wait until your second trimester” they say. “The second trimester will be easier” they say. In the words of Kandi:

THE LIES

THE LIES

THE LIES

Let’s make the bitching quick and seamless. The cyst is shrinking but my fibroid is ride or die. Read about it here. Over the last month, I’ve experienced new pelvic pain, back pain and am fairly certain Baby Gumbeaux has broken my ribs. I never regained energy which is likely a result of not getting adequate sleep which is likely a result of not being able to get into a comfortable position which is likely because Baby Gumbeaux is twerking when we should be resting. I sweat in places I never thought I would; as a result, my current scent is a mixture of Gold Bond, Versace’s Bright Crystal and Cocoa Butter. The Acid Reflux is never ending, yes I’ve taken medication for it and no it doesn’t work. Last but not least, I’ve experienced boob leakage a few times (thankfully just a few) but I think it’s just my boobs letting me know they are locked and loaded.

Interestingly, my doctor’s office has informed me that I am the worst pregnant woman they have encountered. So, you’re telling me I am the only one who panics with every new symptom, Googles them and find out they are life threatening, refuses shots and getting blood taken, demands the butterfly needle and asks a bunch of questions? Not to mention, it took me 45 minutes to drink that disgusting glucose drink (so they can screen my sugar level). I was in the parking lot gagging but some women just drink it like a shot of Patron. Obviously, something is wrong with those women… Speaking of being the worst pregnant woman ever, it may seem super helpful to download a ton of pregnancy apps and subscribe to their newsletters but my doctor has disagreed with nearly all of them so I eventually stopped reading them and would just call her if I had any questions.

One of the biggest benefits of being pregnant is people wanting to feed me and always sympathizing with me being knocked up in the summer. This can result in extra, free or discounted food and skipping lines. Yesterday, a woman charged me the kids meal price for tacos. The day before (when I inquired about discount pregnancy nuggets), I got like 14 additional nuggets. The 6 I had was sufficient but after harassing them for the last few visits, I guess this was the compromise. It took me like 30 minutes to eat all of those nuggets…

The second trimester is when Baby Gumbeaux became most active. It went from flutters to full on dance party. For the last few weeks, she has started to respond to Husband. When he talks to her, she goes nuts. It makes me think I have lost the battle of being her best friend. She also responds to me tapping on my belly. It’s kind of like:

*TAP TAP* “What’s up Baby Gumbeaux?” Then she responds like:

*TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP* “Chilling.”

I think she is super nosy too. Husband and I had one of our intellectual debates and she may have mistaken it for us arguing and got real still. I tapped on my belly and asked her to choose a side, she remained quiet but was back active like 10 minutes later. Ear hustler.

I am currently 30 weeks, in my last trimester and done. The baby is due in 10 weeks but I predict 8 weeks because I am no longer about this life, she’ll be cooked enough. Until then, I am looking forward to milking it and trying to get early maternity leave. Read and share my post on the first trimester: The First Trimester Ft. Baby Gumbeaux. Don’t forget, I’ve created separate social media so I won’t stink up Pink Gumbeaux with baby stuff you care nothing about. “Like” Baby Gumbeaux on Facebook, and follow on Twitter and Instagram.

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S*** PREGNANT WIVES SAY TO THEIR HUSBANDS FT. HUSBAND

Disclaimer: No feelings were hurt during this interview; however, spouses remain severely agitated. 

Now, the list of common words and phrases by yours truly also known as Incubator also known as Me also known as the Person Formally known as Ashlee who sometimes goes by the Pregnancy Emoji.  It’s kind of a Prince reference, get it?

“You don’t like me, do you?”

Husband: When Incubator says this, I think she’s being extra.

Incubator: Of our entire relationship, I know I am most annoying right now. I’ve caught him rolling his eyes several times which usually results in me asking him if he dislikes and or hates me but I assure you, being pregnant is way more annoying then whatever I do to him. The nerve. 

“Hungry!”

Husband: While I do understand Baby Gumbeaux has increased Incubator’s appetite, I think she’s milking it a tad bit.

Incubator: That does not sound “understanding” at all *stares*

“Do I look pregnant today?”

Husband: She asks me this everyday. I think she is still in shock and that it hasn’t set in yet.

Incubator: From my angle, it often looks like a potbelly *shoulder shrug*

“I have to pee.”

Husband: She says it’s because the baby is sitting on her bladder but I don’t think Baby Gumbeaux would do such a thing.

Incubator: She’s controlling him and not even here yet. He’s going out like a sucker.

“Don’t touch me.”

Husband: She doesn’t want me to get her pregnant again.

Incubator: *points to belly*

“Are you going to ditch me after your new toy arrives?”

Husband: No, who’s going to feed her?

Incubator: My parents and grandparents have told me they are ditching me for the new model, I don’t think he’s being honest. I predict the following scenario:

Baby Gumbeaux: “Hey Dad, whose that old lady who stays in the basement?”

Husband: “Oh that’s your mom.”

“Rub my feet.” 

Husband: I know the baby is causing the Incubator’s feet to swell but it could also be those heels she’s still trying to squeeze into.

Incubator: Really? Could you not put my business in the streets? 🗣 I ONLY WEAR HEELS LIKE ONCE A WEEK!

“Pay attention to me.” 

Husband: Incubator needs extra attention during this time.

Incubator: So, I read this is likely because I need help protecting the baby. It’s some type of extraterrestrial instinct or something because I really don’t like him like that.

“You’re annoying me…”

Husband: Likewise.

Incubator: 🙂

“Like” Baby Gumbeaux on Facebook, and follow on Twitter and Instagram. Read and share my previous post: S*** Husbands Say to their Pregnant Wives

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ANOTHER BLOG POST COMPLAINING ABOUT PREGNANCY FT. BABY GUMBEAUX

As stated during The First Trimester, I’ve been experiencing shanked-like pain since I’ve been pregnant. According to my OBGYN (who I’m supposed to be able to trust), it was round ligament pain as a result of a growing Baby Gumbeaux and the expansion of Baby Gumbeaux’s condo. The pain would come and go, happen whenever I made sudden movements and last for a couple of hours but the pain returned on Sunday. It was more intense and invited my legs and back to join the fun. By Tuesday, I was at my OBGYN office. During the sonogram, Baby Gumbeaux was pictured bouncing and kicking me. Totally unbothered and lacking empathy which means Baby Gumbeaux is already displaying the same traits as me. Through the pain, I could not have been prouder.

The pain was as a result of degenerating fibroids. According to the Fibroid Treatment Collective:

Fibroids are noncancerous tumors that grow on or in the muscular walls of the uterus. If the fibroids aggressively grow, they can degenerate, causing significant pain to the patient. They are living tissue, requiring oxygen and nutrients to survive and grow, supplied by blood vessels in an around the uterus. When fibroids become too large, the blood vessels supplying the blood are no longer able to provide enough sustenance to meet the needs of the fibroid. When this happens, the cells of the fibroid begin to die in a process called degeneration.

Scary, right? That’s nothing compared to the list of complications which include but are not limited to the cute stuff like abdominal pain, vaginal bleeding, frequent urination and constipation to the scary stuff like miscarriage, premature delivery and infertility. In contrast, the doctor that I am supposed to trust predicted that I shouldn’t spend my entire pregnancy in pain. I was prescribed pain medication for 3 days then took a couple of days off. The medication didn’t work and with the pain, I didn’t get much rest.

Today, is the first day I don’t feel like I’ve been shanked so maybe my doctor was right. I have another appointment later this week and am expecting demanding better news. Besides learning about how much pregnancy sucks, I hope you take a moment to learn about your family’s health history. Had I never been informed of the fibroids, I never would’ve went on my pity party tour and learned that women on both sides of my family have suffered from fibroids. This makes them 100% responsible for this. Yep, this is all of your faults.

“Like” Baby Gumbeaux on Facebook, and follow on Twitter and Instagram. Read and share my previous post: My “New” Maternity Wardrobe Ft. Baby Gumbeaux