As husband drove me to the oral surgeon for the extraction of my wisdom teeth, I couldn’t help but feel like I was turing myself in to serve a 10-year bid in federal prison. It had me thinking, where is my support system? Why isn’t my whole family here to see me off? Who’s going to deposit money into my commissary?
Upon arrival, I had to initial a list of things the surgeon wouldn’t be respondible for. It included but was not limited to chipped teeth, broken jaw, chapped lips, kidney removal, etc…
While paying for the procedure, the dental assistant noticed the book husband brought with him. It was about tiny houses which is cool but not of importance when I’m busy thinking about worst-case scenarios such as the aforementioned kidney removal.
Once in the room and getting prepped for the surgery of my life, I asked the oral surgeon if she remembered me. 5 or 6 years earlier, she extracted a tooth. It took approximately 30 minutes before I even let her put the IV in my arm. My fear of needles is real but this time, I wanted it to be a quick process. I knew it would be a matter of minutes before I would be sleeping.
Side note: Why do people say it’s the best sleep ever? How will I know it’s the best sleep ever if I’m sleeping?
I was told the first 48 hours would be the worst. There was a lot of blood, I spent my whole weekend in a haze, and it is still difficult for me to open my mouth. It was especially hard to eat and drink with my icepack mask; thereby, resulting in me dropping mashed potatoes in my mask. Overall, it was not as bad as I expected. Likely due to getting only one side of my wisdom teeth pulled and being drugged the entire weekend.
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It was just last month (Read: Thoughts During My Semi-Annual Dental Exam) when I had my dental exam. Once again, they were concerned about my wisdom teeth and encouraged me to schedule a consultation with an oral surgeon. Of course, I blew the dentist off. What does he know? I’ve had my wisdom teeth forever and it’s not always necessary to get them removed.
I went back to my usual: working, being paranoid about my dissertation, avoiding people and dabbing on my haters until I started feeling a little pain this past Sunday. Each day it intensified so I proceeded with the consultation, obtained a prescription for antibiotics and pain and scheduled the extraction (April 1st). Thing is, I have a very high tolerance for pain medication so…I’m still in excruciating pain but hopefully the antibiotics will take care of that in a few days.
My wisdom teeth are backstabbing bastards. First, I have 6 of them. One in particular is laying horizontal, off on its own, doing what the hell it wants. That tooth won’t be able to be fully removed. The dentist said something about it effecting a nerve and possibly loosing feeling in my bottom lip so…yeah, go ahead and leave half of that mutha there. Due to my particular case, I should expect to experience hell-like pain for 48 hours and a longer than usual recovery. Oh joy.
This got me thinking, what have I done to deserve this? I’ve listed some things I can change in exchange for the universe forgiving me and removing my pain. In no particular order:
- Giving up my resting bitch face for a “genuine” smile.
- Not picking fights with toddlers behind their parent’s backs at grocery stores.
- No longer judging women who line their lips and eyebrows with black liner.
- No longer wearing tights as pants on weekends.
- No longer wishing they would cut the scenes of Kim Fields from the Real Housewives of Atlanta.
- No longer wishing that the guy with the lace front locs get killed off the Walking Dead.
- No longer mentally covering my ears every time the choir sings. It’s not them, it’s me.
- No longer threatening my brother when he eats my leftovers. What’s mine is yours little brother.
- Maybe, possibly…forming relationships with new family (i.e. My
- Not judging Jaynae for not wearing color (Read: Panic! At the Lip Color).
- Not making my mother-in-law watch marathons of Big Freedia: Queen of Bounce again.
- Cleaning my car trunk.
- Not being socially weird at church and “touching” my neighbors as instructed.
- Limiting my use of emojis.
- Not wishing that men with cul-de-sac hairlines would just shave all of their hair off. Do you boo.
Just writing this list is easing the pain or the Hydrocodone just kicked in… When you know better, you do better. When you do better, your mouth won’t hurt and you won’t have to get your wisdom teeth removed. I hope to have changed at least one life with this post.
God bless America!
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I remember getting silver teeth jammed into my head, the dental anesthesia not working and what I assume to be dental assistants holding me down until the process was completed. Of course I hated the dentist after that, I assumed each visit would result in pain. As a result of that lasting memory, each dental visit would be highly stressful for all involved. I would cry and experience anxiety during something as simple as a cleaning. The dentist even prescribed me Valium for every visit; of course, it didn’t work. My nerves were more powerful than the meds.
Fast forward a few years or so ago and I have built a great relationship with my dentist and his staff. I’m one of their testimonies and their favorite patient. What an honor bestowed on me…
Any way, these were my thoughts during yesterday’s checkup:
- What do you mean my dentist is going into retirement?! YOU KNOW I HAVE TRUST ISSUES!
- Why do those tools always look so dangerous?
- “Your teeth look great, you’re doing well with your dental hygiene.” *Me in my head because my mouth is wide open* “Of course they do.”
- Why is she talking to me when she knows I can’t answer properly? *nahshdhdhdakshdhrn*
- This chair goes back too far, I wonder if they can see my boobies?
- Did the dentist brush his teeth before checking me about my teeth? Did he floss after lunch?!
- Another new toothbrush to add to my collection! SCORE!
- Another appointment by myself. You’re such a big girl Ashlee! Gold star!
- *Smiles in car mirror*
- See you in 6 months, suckas!
- Ok enough of this crap, where can I get candy? I deserve it.
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