All posts filed under “Humor

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FUN FACTS MY PARENTS (AND GRANDPARENTS) DON’T KNOW!

The names and details have been changed to protect the identity of family and friends who can still get their asses whipped. I stay out-of-state and am willing to take one for the team. Plus, I ain’t never scared but mostly because my mom has a bad memory. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

While attempting to get through the work day, I decided to listen to artists and groups I was obsessed with but hadn’t listened to in a while. I started with Dru Hill which resulted in a series of posts:

So if you could not tell by the title, there may be several a few things my parents and grandparents are unaware of.

As a super Christian, my mother didn’t allow me to listen to secular music. Not only did my grandparents buy me Dru Hill’s album but I had Ginuwine (which often included a series of photos; notably, shirtless Ginuwine). What they didn’t buy me (yet I somehow had access to) was Juvenile’s 400 Degreez (which is the ideal temperature for frozen pizza because I like a little crisp). Anyway, this album features what should be the national anthem: Back That Azz Up. Hey Mom, did you know Sister Jennie popped me with a rolled up piece of newspaper for throwing it in a circle at one of my middle school dances? In my defense, I was not the only one twerking but got caught. Typical.

Speaking of throwing it in a circle, I learned to twerk at a very young age from someone who shall remain nameless. Very controversial outside of New Orleans but pretty much the norm there because… Bounce Music. Instructions: Arch your back and pop your butt up and down slowly but forcefully. You will gain speed over time and with practice you may become an expert, middle-aged rump shaker like me. Most of you will never achieve this level of excellence because you don’t have heart. Stay stiff.

Shorty after starting high school, I became a bibliophile overnight. No one questioned it because reading was a constructive habit. It started when a friend suggested I read the Coldest Winter Ever (which I read in 2 days or less). Then, I asked my grandfather if he could start buying me books. He accompanied me to the book store and bought me two books a week from 10th grade to college. What he didn’t know is he wasn’t just paying for teen drama and fantasy. There were some gangsta novels and erotica. I always had Zane’s newest books.

Last but certainly not least is what I like to call “Bible Study and Chill.” In high school, Thursday was bible study night. First, children then adults (I am not sure who came up with such a inconvenient schedule for parents). Anyway, my grandmother stayed near so we (people who shall remain nameless and me) would walk to her house once we were done. Once there, we would invite friends over. Those friends usually included boys we liked. Once adult bible study was done, “the lookout” would call to let us know the adults were on their way. We never got caught.

What’s funny is my uncle was always upstairs but we knew it was unlikely that he would come downstairs, move or even breath. Most of the time, we would be outside talking (which we could’ve done at church) but you know, we wanted to be sneaky and badass (we as in people I won’t mention and me). Since my mom is the only one who reads this blog, I would like to apologize and ask that you wait until after my birthday to snitch. I don’t want this to effect my gifts and your mom making me a sweet potato pie. We all we got.

If you guys liked this post, you’ll be excited about what I reveal in another 15 years! Read and share my previous post: 10-Months-Old, Parties Like a Broke Rockstar & Does Not Care If We Get Sleep. Follow me most places @pinkgumbeaux

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10-MONTHS-OLD, PARTIES LIKE A BROKE ROCKSTAR & DOES NOT CARE IF WE GET SLEEP

I have an awesome idea for Baby Gumbeaux’s first birthday. I am going to throw myself a party! I think surviving a year of motherhood should be rewarded.

BG is still a bat out of hell in a walker, only crawls on carpet (will freeze and have a meltdown if you put her on the floor), now stands in her playpen (often holding on to the rail, dancing, dropping it low then picking it up slow), and can say three words: heeeeey (hey), mama, and dada. Side note: She said mama first. Why? I have been practicing it with her for the last two months, behind Husband’s back. 

One thing I find interesting is when we are all together, she goes back and forth between Husband and me. It’s like she wants to give us equal attention. Thanks for your consideration baby Iyanla Vanzant.

Home girl thinks she is supposed to eat everything we eat and for the most part, she does. We have even split a bottle of wine. And, no. No, she has not secured employment and does not financially contribute to the household. At the least, she should be washing her own clothes and changing her diaper.

At this moment, I want you to brace yourselves for the most important news ever announced on Pink Gumbeaux, more important than my 32 years on earth, and probably more important than the combined accomplishments of all my readers!

Are you sitting?

OK.

Are you sure you are ready?

Fine.

I’m trying to make sure you’re good.

A month or so ago, I attended a parent-teacher conference where they informed us of the parent association and asked if anyone was interested in being a board member. I lit up, Husband shook his head. I have a shitload of stuff on my plate and have been working for the last year to get rid of it but none of that mattered, I raised my hand. At that moment, a bright light appeared over me. Actually, that didn’t happen. I don’t think that particular room has windows… Anyway, I spent the next few weeks obsessing over “the email” announcing the meetings and officers. I told everyone that I was running for office and planned to win the election.

The day of elections (last Thursday), I overdressed the baby and dressed as if I was being named CEO of a Fortune 500. I had even memorized a small speech regarding my experience and platform. Yes, I did this in real life. Once there, only 2 (including me) of the 5 parents who volunteered to be officers showed up. When the daycare’s director asked about officers, I volunteered to be president and was elected. The other parent was unsure and I am not sure if the others have picked positions but that didn’t stop me from telling family and friends that I won by a landslide. I am even demanding they address me as President, bragged about being a public official, and may change this blog to President Gumbeaux.

 

Yeah so, I’ve had an awakening. Life experiences, getting married and having a baby has led me to become President of the Parent’s Association. This is my purpose. Hello public office, I am here and I am going to change the world!

For whatever reason, a host of family and friends think the daycare and parents should be afraid. Something about me being Type A, bossy, and “extra”. Right, Ercilla? Isn’t that the word you used? Of course, I disagree. I’m more of an ambitious, sometimes aggressive, bossy, impatient and extra person.

Anyway, this concludes my 10-month update. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

Read and share my previous post: National Read a Damn Book Day. Follow me most places @pinkgumbeaux