All posts filed under “Family

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THE WEDDING OF THE CENTURY


Some names and details have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals I’m gossiping about. Just kidding! A couple of weeks ago, Husband and I were informed of his uncle’s wedding. A bit surprising since he was already married to the PYT no one had met yet. Last Wednesday, Uncle calls and apologizes for not informing Husband of his wedding sooner but hope we could attend. Of course, I wanted to go! Free food? Wedding cake? And in the words of messy family, “I want to see how she looks.”

We were instructed to arrive at the wedding 2 hours prior since we were transporting Father-in-Law who happened to be the Best Man. I was told the wedding would take place about 30 minutes outside of Jackson and slept during the ride because… pregnant. Upon opening my eyes, I saw an alter, food, tables and chairs. I exclaim “so, the whole wedding is outside?” I had already concluded that I would likely spend the entire wedding in the car. It’s hot and muggy, then grass! Do you know what grass is full of? Bugs and whatever makes me breakout into hives and have eczema outbreaks. Anyway, a few minutes later Father-in-Law told me “baby girl, you ought to get out of the car.” Me: I’m not sitting outside. Then, Husband told me Uncle would be transporting us to the main house so we won’t have to be stuck outside until the wedding starts. The main house?

Turns out, we were on over 100 acres of Mystery Bride’s Family Member’s property who is a plumber that moonlights as a pastor in a town I’ve never heard of. There were houses and trailers all over; as a result, of allowing family to build on his property. It basically looked like a neighborhood that had not been approved by the Zoning Board. Nice guy, nice concept but I would not want to stay near family; unless, they feed me.

The main house was not the antebellum mansion I imagined in my head but big enough. We were greeted by a ton of super nice strangers including a woman who kept referring to Uncle as “Unc.” They seemed mighty comfortable with “Unc” which was interesting because we had never met Mystery Bride or her family *stares*

It was finally time for the wedding. Then, we were told the carriage was outside. The carriage? Yep! There was a giant black horse featuring 80 inches of yaky, a carriage and a little black man with a top hat. Now I know horse and carriages can transform weddings into fairy tales but at this moment, I felt like I had traveled back a couple of centuries and that it was a strong possibility I owned slaves. We were helped into the carriage and up the gravel road we went. The ride was worse than any roller coaster I have ever been on. Not only was the road rocky but extremely hilly so I was fully prepared to fly out the carriage at any moment but we made it back to the location of the wedding and I didn’t vomit. Gold star for Ashlee! Anyway, while leaving the carriage, people begun taking photos of us like we were some type of backwoods royalty. At this moment, Husband’s Aunt informed me that my slip was rolled up. I had on one of those skirts that is see-through with a short slip under so I proceeded to raise the see-through part and pulled my slip down in front of all the guests. All they saw was a little thigh, not that big of a deal. If I hadn’t adjusted it, they would’ve seen way more than that. After being seated, the carriage went back to pick up the bridesmaids and bride. I guess the wait was too long (approximately 5 minutes) because Father-In-Law’s feet started hurting so he sat down. Although the bridesmaids had arrived and were walking down the aisle, homeboy was still sitting down.

Finally, Mystery Bride arrived. As she made her way down the aisle, I turned to Husband and told him “I have to use the bathroom” then laughed hysterically. I think it’s worth mentioning that everyone used the bathroom before getting in the carriage but me. I turned to one of the what in modern times would be considered a wedding worker or maybe server but because it was 1817, you know what they are… Anyway, she pointed to the nearest house where I went to potty 🙂

A few minutes later, I was back at the wedding in time for the vows which could not be heard over the generators powering the giant fans because it was hot and muggy. Shortly after, they exchanged rings and a very, long and uncomfortable tongue-kiss ensued. Very dramatic for people who are already married if you ask me. After, the happy couple was whisked off by the horse with yaky and carriage for a wardrobe change. Yes, a wardrobe change. Meanwhile, the wedding cake was doing a shoulder and gansta lean. It was hot as hell and the cake appeared to be melting and giving up on life.

We were then informed we could eat. I was first up but then wanted to sit back down. There was fried chicken, what appeared to be hot wings, fruit, some type of pasta that looked like it could’ve also been a salad, meatballs (I think), pinwheels and sandwiches. Did no one inform the wedding planner that I only came for the food and not for one of those free conferences that say “lunch provided” then when you get to lunch, you realize that you’re going to have to leave for a real lunch? I got 2 pieces of fried chicken that appeared to have garlic sprinkled on it, strawberries, grapes and cheese. Once Husband arrived at the table, I asked him if we were going out to eat after we left the wedding. He shook his head, my Father-in-Law laughed.

The happy couple returned and were informed they needed to cut the leaning tower of wedding cake because it was about 2 seconds from committing suicide. The cake was beautiful. It was 3 layers covered in roses. Watching them take the top layer of the cake off was fun. You know, the part they eat in a year? Anyway, It started to fall apart mid air but they caught it and will be able to enjoy their blob of a cake once the year comes around. Speaking of the cake, it was pretty good but was stale when I ate a piece the next day. They should’ve got their cake the same place my mom got my grandmother’s cake for her 84th birthday, 2 weekends ago. Her cake was still moist the next day.

Most of “Unc’s” family didn’t make it to their first grass dance. We were ready to go; especially, Father-in-Law aka the Best Man. You guys, it was literally an hour and twenty minutes after but you know heat is draining. Everyone and their outside stench hopped in Husband’s car, I fell asleep again and woke up as we pulled up to Father-in-Law’s home. I guess it wasn’t so bad.

Fin.

Oh, I almost forgot. Congrats to the newlyweds! I wish you guys a long and happy marriage. And, this happy couple is responsible for planning the next family reunion. I wonder if the horse with yaky and carriage will make an appearance. Fried catfish and family members can be transported back and forth which could be helpful. The horse would surely be entertaining to kids who can braid it’s hair and put little beads at the end. I wonder if we could get a family reunion shirt for the horse. That would be nice.

Read and share my previous post: Another Blog Post Complaining About Pregnancy Ft. Baby Gumbeaux

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MY “NEW” MATERNITY WARDROBE? FT. BABY GUMBEAUX


It all started when I received a text from an aunt asking me to stop by her house after work. I found this unusual because I’ve never received a direct invite before. I consider myself as Husband’s plus-one. On the other hand, I think pregnancy makes family want to be closer so I agreed to drop by but spent the next 2 hours of work wondering what she could possibly want with me. So I figured it was likely because she has millions of dollars hidden in the walls of her home and wants to establish an inheritance for Baby Gumbeaux or because she wants to kill me because I don’t have the pedigree to continue the family line.

Once inside of her living room, I saw tons of shopping bags. Did she buy stuff for Baby Gumbeaux? How sweet but I hope she kept the receipt. However, she just kept walking until we reached her bedroom. It was the first time I had been that far in her house. I don’t remember what she said word-for-word because it was an out-of-body experience but it was along the lines of don’t shop for maternity clothes because I have tons and tons of plus-sized clothing scattered throughout several closets and you’re welcome to it. That’s super nice, right? Sure, but plus-sized clothing does not necessarily equate to maternity clothing. Most importantly, she’s 70 and I am 31 but it gets kind of worse. I had to try on each piece of clothing. This is the most compliant I have ever been in my life but quiet honestly, I never got the opportunity to say “no thank you.” Also, the situation is a little complex because I did recognize it as extending an olive branch. Me rejecting aforementioned olive branch would result in me being deemed ungrateful and uppity which is mostly true.

My new “maternity” wardrobe is very colorful and consists of materials and patterns I have yet to identify. Note: I need cotton and breathable materials. I am already a sweater but worst since becoming an incubator. Anyway, there were a lot of 3-piece sets. You know, tops and bottoms or dresses that come with the buttom down shirt because a lady never shows her shoulders or elbows. However, you should be happy to know that I drew the line at pantsuits. I detest them.

Although the plus-sized clothing is twice my pre-incubator size, I know that my growing boobs, belly and butt could easily fill up certain sections of the new wardrobe. And quiet honestly, it was not all bad. There are some basics that could be altered to look more like the sexy pregnant woman that I am but she wants her clothes back; as a result, there will be no altering or delivering clothes to the Salvation Army in the middle of the night.

The last stop on the “maternity” shopping tour was a closet full of coats. I thought I saw a fur back there and because I am new money, I would definitely wear it. Year around and everywhere such as shopping for groceries, pumping gas, getting a manicure, etc. If this post does not get me banned, I am coming for that fur.

Last but not least, no I have not worn anything yet and yes I’ve seen here since my shopping spree. The last time she said “you better get out of those tight clothes” which was actually a maternity bodycon dress because it’s 2017 and pregnant women no longer have to hide their bumps or dress in circus tents. Yeah, so… “like” Baby Gumbeaux on Facebook, and follow on Twitter and Instagram. Read and share my previous post: Faux Product Review 48: Sacha Buttercup Setting Powder

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HELL HAS FROZEN OVER, PIGS ARE FLYING & I’M PREGNANT


Yes, you read correctly. The end of the times are near because the infamous toddler-hater is 13 weeks pregnant. So, how did I find out Husband trapped me? 

It was nothing we planned but not anything we were trying to prevent either. When you marry someone who wants kids, it’s inevitable. I literally had a dream where I was told I was pregnant, woke up, took a pregnancy test, screamed explicits then had it confirmed at my employer’s clinic.

My family and friends needed proof before believing I was knocked up. 

Most didn’t believe me but when I provided proof, excitement ensued from mostly everyone… Dad had a hard time processing it (likely because it forced him to realize I’m an adult and that he’s getting older). He’s come around now, has named baby “bun” (because bun in the oven) and has already asked to babysit whenever we travel. My grandmother (his mom) response was bland potato salad until I learned that she thought I felt pressured and was not going to celebrate my pregnancy until she knew I was OK. How does Ashlee feel? This is why she is my ride or die. Anyway, she came around shortly after and has now volunteered to babysit a week out of each mom #saynomore #thankyouinadvance

There are benefits to this pregnancy thing.

I’m coddled and everyone wants to feed me which is awesome because I am always hungry. I don’t have any wild cravings yet but nearly everything I drink tastes like pennies. Family is already volunteering to buy baby furniture and my grandfather stated that the baby will probably be spoiled which is rich coming from the man who spoiled me. Baby will be the first grandchild from my parents and Husband’s dad; as a result, I expect to buy nothing.

What’s next?

After the shock of being knocked up wore off (which is approximately 5 minutes ago), we started giving thought to how we plan to raise Baby Gumbeaux. I am hoping for a girl because who wouldn’t want Ashlee 2.0? Smarter, fashionable, sarcastic and a mouth that kept me in trouble? Yes, please! I am leaning heavy towards private school, the only decision that I’ve made that’s nonnegotiable. And, I already talk to baby a lot. It usually goes like: “Hey baby, what are you doing? Oh nothing? Well, it’s the perfect time for you to start thinking about your future since you obviously don’t have anything better to do.” I’ve also shared with baby a list of my enemies so baby can know who not to go to, who to vomit on and when to scream baby head off. 

If you haven’t guessed, I will be documenting my pregnancy and parenting journey and will likely have personal stories that may or may not affect if family and friends give me gifts at my baby shower. Because I stand in solidarity with other toddler-haters, I created separate social media so I won’t stink up Pink Gumbeaux with baby stuff you care nothing about. “Like” Baby Gumbeaux on Facebook, and follow on Twitter and Instagram.

Read and share husband’s blog post: Storytime 2: Dad, That’s Not a Limousine!

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2 YEARS OF MARRIAGE FT. HUSBAND


Last week, we celebrated 2 years of marriage *insert applause here* However, it feels like we’ve been married longer so I had to check the year we got married (via Facebook), lol. Maybe it’s because we’ve been together so long (5 years prior to marriage). 

Husband: Time flies when you’re having fun.

I told you I thought it was weird that we didn’t do a big celebration. I think we approach most holidays like that (such as Valentine’s Day at Panera Bread), why is that? 

Husband: We both have better things to do.

Since last year, we started a couple of businesses. So we live together and occasionally work together, yikes! Just kidding, I would rather have you as coworker. Plus, it’s not like we haven’t been coworkers before. 

Husband: This is true.


We just found out you passed the last exam necessary to become a licensed architect! How do you feel? 

Husband: Before I found out I passed, I envisioned getting the results early in the morning, playing Kool & the Gang’s “Celebration” and jumping in the bed and waking you up. But I didn’t think you would appreciate it. I feel like a tremendous burden has been lifted, now I can develop my own projects (both commercial and residential) and help upcoming architects. I just encouraged one of my coworkers to start taking his exam.

We have a lot of things planned for 2017, do you want to talk about some of those things? 

Husband: We are on track to start developing tiny homes, we are going to kick off our travel agenda, we are about to become homeowners, and you finishing school and becoming Dr. Kelly for the 99 and the 2000 (Juvenile reference).

Do you think I’ve changed since our last anniversary? Good? Bad? Do I even care? Lol. 

Husband: I think you’ve changed for the better. You are more conscious of who you are, your abilities and how your actions affect others.


Basically, I am getting soft. Over the past year, I think we’ve exchanged rolls a bit. Historically, I am a very action-oriented, do-it-right-now person but have been very hesitant about a lot of things; however, you’re like “just do it!” And, you even got me together about my dissertation. Basically, you told me stop being scary, wrap it up, and that it’s just a paper. Do you want to talk about that? 

Husband: I told you to stop being a little b****

Basically. I also want to mention a little ritual we have. Every morning and night, we talk about what we are grateful for, recite affirmations then a prayer. How do you you think that’s impact us?

Husband: A couple of those affirmations have come to pass.

Anything we should work on this year? 

Husband: Having more faith in spite of what’s in front of us.


Any advice for anyone who wants to get married, engaged or newlyweds? 

Husband: RUN, sike! Make sure you like the person you’re marrying. It seems obvious but you’d be surprised how many people get this wrong.

I think that’s great advice! I would also like to add “fed wife, happy life.” 

Watch and share my previous post: February & March HuesBox

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DISSECTING GUMBOGATE

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Last month I published the award-winning, record-breaking blog post entitled “Gumbogate.” Personal stories are always among Pink Gumbeaux’s most popular posts but unbeknownst to me, it was a bit controversial so I knew I would have to revisit the subject matter.

A few months ago, I composed a more fitting blog description on both this site and all social media: “Snarky, cynical and deadpan blog featuring personal stories, faux product reviews and bad advice from Ashlee, your resident stick-in-the mud.” This is not only informative but a bit of a warning; particularly, to those who know me personally. Because I blog about my personal life, it is highly likely that my interpretation of whatever I experience will become a blog post. Now that we have that out of the way, let’s talk about the woman behind Pink Gumbeaux: ME!

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My blog is truly, authentically me. I am very much a snarky, cynical and shady person. I can also be positive, helpful, and somewhat funny (so they say). Sometimes, blogging helps me cope and work through my own issues. The result is often an entertaining and humorous post.

Truth is, I didn’t want to go to Houston. I would rather be with my family, eating seafood and drinking daiquiris. Nothing against Husband’s family but I’ve been gravely homesick for the last few years. In addition, I take a very long time to warm up to people. I can feel the people who know me shaking their heads. Some in agreement and some in shame, lol. I’m talking months and years. I do not trust easily but have made some progress. And, the way marriage, compromise and my pockets are set up, I can’t spend every holiday with my family (but will make an effort to visit more often).

To the offensive part:

We we’re supposed to leave at 1 but then 1 hour passed, 2, 3…then 4! Finally, Diana Ross (mother-in-law) emerged and we left Houston shortly after 5PM and did not eat until about 6:30PM! Another near death experience. I did not even know my body could go that long without food. Whew, the great endurance I’ve displayed during this trip. Interestingly, I did not load my plate with food; although, I was super hungry. Husband’s family allows people who can’t cook to contribute to the meal. As I was adding food on my plate, I tried to mouth to Husband “who made this?” He could not read my lips so I didn’t take any risks. I got the basics: MY Mac and Cheese, Broccoli and Cheese Casserole, Dinner Roll and burnt ham (I was told it was left in the oven too long but it was aight).

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If you’re going to be late, you might as well emerge as Diana Ross. Yes it could be viewed as a jab but people who know me well know I love Diana Ross. And I have blogged about being a picky eater, you have never met anyone as picky as me. According to Mom, she could only eat mashed potatoes and ham and drink lemonade while pregnant with me. So, it’s no secret that I love ham, mashed potatoes and lemonade. I eat a very limited selection of foods, am not willing to try new food and may actually eat something but from few sources (for example: King Cake from only the New Orleans Metropolitan Area and now Gumbo from only Louisiana). I will not change. You cannot satisfy me. I will survive. It’s not you, it’s me. Oh, and about that Christmas Ham, I don’t make the news I just report it.  Side note: Church members, I know you guys are celebrating the end of your fast with a big feast, it’s highly unlikely that I will participate in aforementioned feast unless that person who brought Popeyes is bringing Popeyes again.


Last but not least, I do have some sort of a moral compass. Husband reads each blog post before I publish it (which means he’s partially responsible). I also discuss posts with Mom. There have been times she’s said: “Maybe you should call your Dad before you publish that post,” “you shouldn’t say that,” do you have to blog about everything,” and “do you have to curse so much?” There have been blog posts that I’ve edited after they were published (although she thought Gumbogate was hilarious).

So, I did apologize to Mother-In-Law and expect to get the side eye from Family Members-In-Law for the next few holidays (and probably family reunions) because they will wonder “is princess going to blog about us?” The answer will always be yes. Read and share my previous post: Jackson Indie Music Week-ish