All posts filed under “Marriage

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S*** PREGNANT WIVES SAY TO THEIR HUSBANDS FT. HUSBAND

Disclaimer: No feelings were hurt during this interview; however, spouses remain severely agitated. 

Now, the list of common words and phrases by yours truly also known as Incubator also known as Me also known as the Person Formally known as Ashlee who sometimes goes by the Pregnancy Emoji.  It’s kind of a Prince reference, get it?

“You don’t like me, do you?”

Husband: When Incubator says this, I think she’s being extra.

Incubator: Of our entire relationship, I know I am most annoying right now. I’ve caught him rolling his eyes several times which usually results in me asking him if he dislikes and or hates me but I assure you, being pregnant is way more annoying then whatever I do to him. The nerve. 

“Hungry!”

Husband: While I do understand Baby Gumbeaux has increased Incubator’s appetite, I think she’s milking it a tad bit.

Incubator: That does not sound “understanding” at all *stares*

“Do I look pregnant today?”

Husband: She asks me this everyday. I think she is still in shock and that it hasn’t set in yet.

Incubator: From my angle, it often looks like a potbelly *shoulder shrug*

“I have to pee.”

Husband: She says it’s because the baby is sitting on her bladder but I don’t think Baby Gumbeaux would do such a thing.

Incubator: She’s controlling him and not even here yet. He’s going out like a sucker.

“Don’t touch me.”

Husband: She doesn’t want me to get her pregnant again.

Incubator: *points to belly*

“Are you going to ditch me after your new toy arrives?”

Husband: No, who’s going to feed her?

Incubator: My parents and grandparents have told me they are ditching me for the new model, I don’t think he’s being honest. I predict the following scenario:

Baby Gumbeaux: “Hey Dad, whose that old lady who stays in the basement?”

Husband: “Oh that’s your mom.”

“Rub my feet.” 

Husband: I know the baby is causing the Incubator’s feet to swell but it could also be those heels she’s still trying to squeeze into.

Incubator: Really? Could you not put my business in the streets? 🗣 I ONLY WEAR HEELS LIKE ONCE A WEEK!

“Pay attention to me.” 

Husband: Incubator needs extra attention during this time.

Incubator: So, I read this is likely because I need help protecting the baby. It’s some type of extraterrestrial instinct or something because I really don’t like him like that.

“You’re annoying me…”

Husband: Likewise.

Incubator: 🙂

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S*** HUSBANDS SAY TO THEIR PREGNANT WIVES


Disclaimer: No feelings were hurt from the below comments, I actually find my Husband’s comments quiet entertaining. 

*clears throat* Now, to the list of things I hear nearly every single day.

“Have you taken your prenatal vitamin?” 
Never did he care about my supplement intake until he impregnated me with his spawn. At least twice a day, he asks me this and rarely believes me. I sometimes think it would be better for him to administer the supplement to me then speak to my belly and confirm Baby Gumbeaux has received the nutrients she needs.

“Why are you so gassy?” 
Listen, I am an incubator. I no longer have any control over my body. Unfortunately, I am most gassy early in the morning and at night, while in bed with Husband. It sounds worse than it is and doesn’t have a smell. It’s just Baby Gumbeaux using me to say “Hi Daddy.”

“You can’t be hungry again.” 
No, actually I am not hungry. I was accustomed to eating mac and cheese as a meal but YOUR baby is never satisfied so feed me.

“Stop blaming everything on the baby.” 
This guy acts like he has not been with me for 7 years. He knows I have not been this gassy ever in my entire life but will not blame anything on his precious seed. When confronted about this, he stated that he doesn’t know if he ever really knew me…

“Boobies” 
I was a DD before I got knocked up and don’t even want to guess what size they are now. What’s worse, I’m just 24 weeks so I know there is a chance they could double. This will likely result in me no longer needing to use my legs; instead, floating from room to room via my boobs. Nonetheless, he’s a man so he likes it. Which brings me to the following:

“I am going to get you pregnant.”
If you’ve been following me, have read the title, and or have read most of this post you know that I am already pregnant but he’s very attracted to my changing body. It’s kind of weird and I often fear for my life.

“I don’t think you can fit that anymore.” 

“Come on, let me grease you.” 
Translation: Let me apply the butter so I can help you prevent stretch marks but mostly because I am a perv.

Come here, let me put your belly belt on.” 
I can actually do this by myself but if it makes him feel like a helpful noodle, strap me up!

“You shouldn’t run, you look like a muffin with legs.” 
Just when I thought I could get a brief jog in, I quickly changed my mind because I now look like “a muffin with legs.” Power walk it is…

“You’re so pretty.”
*smiles*

Husband is looking forward to writing his blog post on my most frequent words and phrases which are most likely complaints. “Like” Baby Gumbeaux on Facebook, and follow on Twitter and Instagram. Read and share my previous post: The Ultimate Guide to Being Knocked Up

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THE WEDDING OF THE CENTURY


Some names and details have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals I’m gossiping about. Just kidding! A couple of weeks ago, Husband and I were informed of his uncle’s wedding. A bit surprising since he was already married to the PYT no one had met yet. Last Wednesday, Uncle calls and apologizes for not informing Husband of his wedding sooner but hope we could attend. Of course, I wanted to go! Free food? Wedding cake? And in the words of messy family, “I want to see how she looks.”

We were instructed to arrive at the wedding 2 hours prior since we were transporting Father-in-Law who happened to be the Best Man. I was told the wedding would take place about 30 minutes outside of Jackson and slept during the ride because… pregnant. Upon opening my eyes, I saw an alter, food, tables and chairs. I exclaim “so, the whole wedding is outside?” I had already concluded that I would likely spend the entire wedding in the car. It’s hot and muggy, then grass! Do you know what grass is full of? Bugs and whatever makes me breakout into hives and have eczema outbreaks. Anyway, a few minutes later Father-in-Law told me “baby girl, you ought to get out of the car.” Me: I’m not sitting outside. Then, Husband told me Uncle would be transporting us to the main house so we won’t have to be stuck outside until the wedding starts. The main house?

Turns out, we were on over 100 acres of Mystery Bride’s Family Member’s property who is a plumber that moonlights as a pastor in a town I’ve never heard of. There were houses and trailers all over; as a result, of allowing family to build on his property. It basically looked like a neighborhood that had not been approved by the Zoning Board. Nice guy, nice concept but I would not want to stay near family; unless, they feed me.

The main house was not the antebellum mansion I imagined in my head but big enough. We were greeted by a ton of super nice strangers including a woman who kept referring to Uncle as “Unc.” They seemed mighty comfortable with “Unc” which was interesting because we had never met Mystery Bride or her family *stares*

It was finally time for the wedding. Then, we were told the carriage was outside. The carriage? Yep! There was a giant black horse featuring 80 inches of yaky, a carriage and a little black man with a top hat. Now I know horse and carriages can transform weddings into fairy tales but at this moment, I felt like I had traveled back a couple of centuries and that it was a strong possibility I owned slaves. We were helped into the carriage and up the gravel road we went. The ride was worse than any roller coaster I have ever been on. Not only was the road rocky but extremely hilly so I was fully prepared to fly out the carriage at any moment but we made it back to the location of the wedding and I didn’t vomit. Gold star for Ashlee! Anyway, while leaving the carriage, people begun taking photos of us like we were some type of backwoods royalty. At this moment, Husband’s Aunt informed me that my slip was rolled up. I had on one of those skirts that is see-through with a short slip under so I proceeded to raise the see-through part and pulled my slip down in front of all the guests. All they saw was a little thigh, not that big of a deal. If I hadn’t adjusted it, they would’ve seen way more than that. After being seated, the carriage went back to pick up the bridesmaids and bride. I guess the wait was too long (approximately 5 minutes) because Father-In-Law’s feet started hurting so he sat down. Although the bridesmaids had arrived and were walking down the aisle, homeboy was still sitting down.

Finally, Mystery Bride arrived. As she made her way down the aisle, I turned to Husband and told him “I have to use the bathroom” then laughed hysterically. I think it’s worth mentioning that everyone used the bathroom before getting in the carriage but me. I turned to one of the what in modern times would be considered a wedding worker or maybe server but because it was 1817, you know what they are… Anyway, she pointed to the nearest house where I went to potty 🙂

A few minutes later, I was back at the wedding in time for the vows which could not be heard over the generators powering the giant fans because it was hot and muggy. Shortly after, they exchanged rings and a very, long and uncomfortable tongue-kiss ensued. Very dramatic for people who are already married if you ask me. After, the happy couple was whisked off by the horse with yaky and carriage for a wardrobe change. Yes, a wardrobe change. Meanwhile, the wedding cake was doing a shoulder and gansta lean. It was hot as hell and the cake appeared to be melting and giving up on life.

We were then informed we could eat. I was first up but then wanted to sit back down. There was fried chicken, what appeared to be hot wings, fruit, some type of pasta that looked like it could’ve also been a salad, meatballs (I think), pinwheels and sandwiches. Did no one inform the wedding planner that I only came for the food and not for one of those free conferences that say “lunch provided” then when you get to lunch, you realize that you’re going to have to leave for a real lunch? I got 2 pieces of fried chicken that appeared to have garlic sprinkled on it, strawberries, grapes and cheese. Once Husband arrived at the table, I asked him if we were going out to eat after we left the wedding. He shook his head, my Father-in-Law laughed.

The happy couple returned and were informed they needed to cut the leaning tower of wedding cake because it was about 2 seconds from committing suicide. The cake was beautiful. It was 3 layers covered in roses. Watching them take the top layer of the cake off was fun. You know, the part they eat in a year? Anyway, It started to fall apart mid air but they caught it and will be able to enjoy their blob of a cake once the year comes around. Speaking of the cake, it was pretty good but was stale when I ate a piece the next day. They should’ve got their cake the same place my mom got my grandmother’s cake for her 84th birthday, 2 weekends ago. Her cake was still moist the next day.

Most of “Unc’s” family didn’t make it to their first grass dance. We were ready to go; especially, Father-in-Law aka the Best Man. You guys, it was literally an hour and twenty minutes after but you know heat is draining. Everyone and their outside stench hopped in Husband’s car, I fell asleep again and woke up as we pulled up to Father-in-Law’s home. I guess it wasn’t so bad.

Fin.

Oh, I almost forgot. Congrats to the newlyweds! I wish you guys a long and happy marriage. And, this happy couple is responsible for planning the next family reunion. I wonder if the horse with yaky and carriage will make an appearance. Fried catfish and family members can be transported back and forth which could be helpful. The horse would surely be entertaining to kids who can braid it’s hair and put little beads at the end. I wonder if we could get a family reunion shirt for the horse. That would be nice.

Read and share my previous post: Another Blog Post Complaining About Pregnancy Ft. Baby Gumbeaux

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2 YEARS OF MARRIAGE FT. HUSBAND


Last week, we celebrated 2 years of marriage *insert applause here* However, it feels like we’ve been married longer so I had to check the year we got married (via Facebook), lol. Maybe it’s because we’ve been together so long (5 years prior to marriage). 

Husband: Time flies when you’re having fun.

I told you I thought it was weird that we didn’t do a big celebration. I think we approach most holidays like that (such as Valentine’s Day at Panera Bread), why is that? 

Husband: We both have better things to do.

Since last year, we started a couple of businesses. So we live together and occasionally work together, yikes! Just kidding, I would rather have you as coworker. Plus, it’s not like we haven’t been coworkers before. 

Husband: This is true.


We just found out you passed the last exam necessary to become a licensed architect! How do you feel? 

Husband: Before I found out I passed, I envisioned getting the results early in the morning, playing Kool & the Gang’s “Celebration” and jumping in the bed and waking you up. But I didn’t think you would appreciate it. I feel like a tremendous burden has been lifted, now I can develop my own projects (both commercial and residential) and help upcoming architects. I just encouraged one of my coworkers to start taking his exam.

We have a lot of things planned for 2017, do you want to talk about some of those things? 

Husband: We are on track to start developing tiny homes, we are going to kick off our travel agenda, we are about to become homeowners, and you finishing school and becoming Dr. Kelly for the 99 and the 2000 (Juvenile reference).

Do you think I’ve changed since our last anniversary? Good? Bad? Do I even care? Lol. 

Husband: I think you’ve changed for the better. You are more conscious of who you are, your abilities and how your actions affect others.


Basically, I am getting soft. Over the past year, I think we’ve exchanged rolls a bit. Historically, I am a very action-oriented, do-it-right-now person but have been very hesitant about a lot of things; however, you’re like “just do it!” And, you even got me together about my dissertation. Basically, you told me stop being scary, wrap it up, and that it’s just a paper. Do you want to talk about that? 

Husband: I told you to stop being a little b****

Basically. I also want to mention a little ritual we have. Every morning and night, we talk about what we are grateful for, recite affirmations then a prayer. How do you you think that’s impact us?

Husband: A couple of those affirmations have come to pass.

Anything we should work on this year? 

Husband: Having more faith in spite of what’s in front of us.


Any advice for anyone who wants to get married, engaged or newlyweds? 

Husband: RUN, sike! Make sure you like the person you’re marrying. It seems obvious but you’d be surprised how many people get this wrong.

I think that’s great advice! I would also like to add “fed wife, happy life.” 

Watch and share my previous post: February & March HuesBox

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1 YEAR OF MARRIAGE FT. HUSBAND

Right after our courthouse nuptials

Right after our courthouse nuptials

Yesterday, we celebrated our one-year anniversary *insert cheers and applause here.* Honestly, one year has not differed much from 6 Months of Marriage. Sharing of the bank account and closet is still blah, late night snack runs is still a thing, and his cousin is still bitter. Just yesterday he told us, on our anniversary “1 year is great, wait until you’re married for 5.” Note: This fool hasn’t even been married for 5 years! 

It’s kind of cool having an automatic support system and best friend. Husband, what about you?

I didn’t have any preconceived expectations, I just know I’m with a person I want to spend the rest of my life with. 

Awww…

Husband wanted to take a selfie, I did not.

Husband wanted to take a selfie, I did not.

Our apartment has been a mess, you have a lot of stuff.

I need all of those things…

I’ve had a few, internal challenges. Not anything triggered by you, possibly society. I’ve fought being what’s considered a traditional wife. I have a career and am working on a PhD yet a lot of people think being married is the greatest accomplishment a woman can have. “How often do you cook for him?” “When are you having kids?” As if my existence is to produce for everyone but myself…

In the beginning of our marriage, I made a concious effort not to be influenced by anyone and especially “society.” You cooking for me and having my babies is not something that should be done in response to society but in response to make one another happy. 

On the inside, I’m whiping away a single tear. Moving on, when can I get a kitten?

You don’t have time for a kitten. 

unnamed

So, we’re building a duplex together. Building design by you, interior by me.

Tentatively, interior design by you because you may get fired. So, what are three things you didn’t know about me until we got married?

  1. You sleep like the Tasmanian Devil (Looney Toons reference)
  2. You struggle with mornings, it takes you forever to get out of the bed.
  3. I knew you were nice but like you’re like level 100 nice, to everyone…for no reason, lol

What about me?

  1. You use a lot of beauty products and various “serums.” What’s a serum? 
  2. You’re addicted to reality TV shows.
  3. I didn’t realize you didn’t know how smart you are. 

I didn’t know I would become so protective of you. I don’t want anyone to take advantage of you.

I’m a big boy, I can handle myself. I didn’t realize that being married to you for 1 year and being with you for over 5, I can still look at you and say “oh, she fine!”

…Thanks honey. That’s another thing I like about you. You compliment me everyday. Sometimes multiple times a day. Any advice for newlyweds?

Remember this: Marriage is a privilege and not a chore. Always look at your spouse like a blessing and you’ll never take it for granted.

For me, I would recommend drinking plenty of water, keeping people out of your business and avoiding all the bitter married people. I’m talking to you cousin… … … It’s really fun. Continue dating and try having new experiences. Anything we should work on?

Not eating past 7PM. 

Right! And we need to ensure we are at the gym, consistently. Note: We are writing this as we eat a Chipotle Baja Brownie topped with vanilla ice cream and tequila caramel. 

Husband giving me a tour of his new gig.

Husband giving me a tour of his new gig.

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