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QUICK GUIDE TO PETTY PRANKS

Fun fact: I dislike more people than I like. Who’s surprised? Anyone? Anyone? No? The reasons vary but family and friends know it doesn’t take much. Too friendly, too touchy, too talkative, too nosy, complains too much, self-absorbed, shady, fake, sits too close to me, wears too much perfume and or cologne, etc.

Sometimes, it’s easy to cope with but there has to be a small part of you that would like to ruin their day just a little. I’m glad you agree. Below, is a quick list of anonymous pranks:

1. The OG Glitter Bomb– $9.99

Pay us money, provide an address anywhere in the world & we’ll send your recipient so much glitter in an envelope that they’ll be finding it everywhere for weeks. We’ll also include a note telling the person exactly why they’re receiving this terrible gift. Hint: the glitter will be mixed in with the note thus increasing maximum spillage.

During my Dad’s last birthday, I did a bootleg version of this by filling his card up with red glitter. It was too much, made the card too thick; as a result, he opened the card outside. I should’ve left it to the professionals.

2. A Bag of D****– $12.99

Anonymously ship someone a bag of gummy dicks. We’ll include a note saying “Eat a bag of dicks!” A tasty prank, that will leave a lasting impression. Buyer and Recipient must be 18+ This is a gag gift, don’t send with the intention of harassing somone.

Nothing says you’re being a dick like receiving a bag of dicks but is it an insult if it’s penis-shaped gummy bears? Who doesn’t like gummy bears?

3. Troll Cakes– $30- $60

Troll Cakes takes internet comments, make it into a cake and then box it up and mail it to the troll who said it. The box includes a copy of their original comment.

I really really want one of these. Unfortunately, I am no troll but am sure to have a few passive-aggressive tweets. Oh, maybe someone can get one made for my baby shower… *contacts Godmother Gumbeaux*

4. Shitexpress– $16.95

Choose an animal (various animals have different types of excrement), give us an address (we deliver packages to ALL COUNTRIES in the world, directly to the recipient), pick a sticker, and pay and stay anonymous.

Ok, this one is super awesome and should probably be reserved for people you really hate. There are several people I wish I could send this to right now but being that I… kind of listed it in this post, it would no longer be anonymous. Phooey.

5. Bird by Mail– $5- $6

We specialize in designing one of a kind Middle Finger Novelty Products.

If you have the cash to blow, send a middle finger to your frenemy anonymously; although, you could probably print a ton and mail them for free through your employer’s mail office.

BONUS: Spam! For the people who don’t have the money but have the time to be petty, obtain enemy’s email address and sign them up for random spam.  Need spam ideas? Sign them up for contests they will never win, female and male enhancement trials, weight loss, debt reduction, credit checks and financial tips, recommend them to one of those Nigerian millionaire scammers, and porn 🙂

May the odds be ever in your petty favor.

Read and share my previous post: S*** Pregnant Wives Say to Their Husband

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S*** PREGNANT WIVES SAY TO THEIR HUSBANDS FT. HUSBAND

Disclaimer: No feelings were hurt during this interview; however, spouses remain severely agitated. 

Now, the list of common words and phrases by yours truly also known as Incubator also known as Me also known as the Person Formally known as Ashlee who sometimes goes by the Pregnancy Emoji.  It’s kind of a Prince reference, get it?

“You don’t like me, do you?”

Husband: When Incubator says this, I think she’s being extra.

Incubator: Of our entire relationship, I know I am most annoying right now. I’ve caught him rolling his eyes several times which usually results in me asking him if he dislikes and or hates me but I assure you, being pregnant is way more annoying then whatever I do to him. The nerve. 

“Hungry!”

Husband: While I do understand Baby Gumbeaux has increased Incubator’s appetite, I think she’s milking it a tad bit.

Incubator: That does not sound “understanding” at all *stares*

“Do I look pregnant today?”

Husband: She asks me this everyday. I think she is still in shock and that it hasn’t set in yet.

Incubator: From my angle, it often looks like a potbelly *shoulder shrug*

“I have to pee.”

Husband: She says it’s because the baby is sitting on her bladder but I don’t think Baby Gumbeaux would do such a thing.

Incubator: She’s controlling him and not even here yet. He’s going out like a sucker.

“Don’t touch me.”

Husband: She doesn’t want me to get her pregnant again.

Incubator: *points to belly*

“Are you going to ditch me after your new toy arrives?”

Husband: No, who’s going to feed her?

Incubator: My parents and grandparents have told me they are ditching me for the new model, I don’t think he’s being honest. I predict the following scenario:

Baby Gumbeaux: “Hey Dad, whose that old lady who stays in the basement?”

Husband: “Oh that’s your mom.”

“Rub my feet.” 

Husband: I know the baby is causing the Incubator’s feet to swell but it could also be those heels she’s still trying to squeeze into.

Incubator: Really? Could you not put my business in the streets? 🗣 I ONLY WEAR HEELS LIKE ONCE A WEEK!

“Pay attention to me.” 

Husband: Incubator needs extra attention during this time.

Incubator: So, I read this is likely because I need help protecting the baby. It’s some type of extraterrestrial instinct or something because I really don’t like him like that.

“You’re annoying me…”

Husband: Likewise.

Incubator: 🙂

“Like” Baby Gumbeaux on Facebook, and follow on Twitter and Instagram. Read and share my previous post: S*** Husbands Say to their Pregnant Wives

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S*** HUSBANDS SAY TO THEIR PREGNANT WIVES


Disclaimer: No feelings were hurt from the below comments, I actually find my Husband’s comments quiet entertaining. 

*clears throat* Now, to the list of things I hear nearly every single day.

“Have you taken your prenatal vitamin?” 
Never did he care about my supplement intake until he impregnated me with his spawn. At least twice a day, he asks me this and rarely believes me. I sometimes think it would be better for him to administer the supplement to me then speak to my belly and confirm Baby Gumbeaux has received the nutrients she needs.

“Why are you so gassy?” 
Listen, I am an incubator. I no longer have any control over my body. Unfortunately, I am most gassy early in the morning and at night, while in bed with Husband. It sounds worse than it is and doesn’t have a smell. It’s just Baby Gumbeaux using me to say “Hi Daddy.”

“You can’t be hungry again.” 
No, actually I am not hungry. I was accustomed to eating mac and cheese as a meal but YOUR baby is never satisfied so feed me.

“Stop blaming everything on the baby.” 
This guy acts like he has not been with me for 7 years. He knows I have not been this gassy ever in my entire life but will not blame anything on his precious seed. When confronted about this, he stated that he doesn’t know if he ever really knew me…

“Boobies” 
I was a DD before I got knocked up and don’t even want to guess what size they are now. What’s worse, I’m just 24 weeks so I know there is a chance they could double. This will likely result in me no longer needing to use my legs; instead, floating from room to room via my boobs. Nonetheless, he’s a man so he likes it. Which brings me to the following:

“I am going to get you pregnant.”
If you’ve been following me, have read the title, and or have read most of this post you know that I am already pregnant but he’s very attracted to my changing body. It’s kind of weird and I often fear for my life.

“I don’t think you can fit that anymore.” 

“Come on, let me grease you.” 
Translation: Let me apply the butter so I can help you prevent stretch marks but mostly because I am a perv.

Come here, let me put your belly belt on.” 
I can actually do this by myself but if it makes him feel like a helpful noodle, strap me up!

“You shouldn’t run, you look like a muffin with legs.” 
Just when I thought I could get a brief jog in, I quickly changed my mind because I now look like “a muffin with legs.” Power walk it is…

“You’re so pretty.”
*smiles*

Husband is looking forward to writing his blog post on my most frequent words and phrases which are most likely complaints. “Like” Baby Gumbeaux on Facebook, and follow on Twitter and Instagram. Read and share my previous post: The Ultimate Guide to Being Knocked Up

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THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO BEING KNOCKED UP

Turns out, there are some things you need to make this process comfortable. Just kidding, you will never be comfortable but check out the list of cool things I’ve bought or have been gifted since being knocked up.

Bella B Tummy Honey Butter ($14.99)

Being an incubator will likely result in skin stretching. My boobs, tummy and thighs are stretching; as a result, I planned to submerge myself in a tub of cocoa butter then insert myself into the freezer for the entire 40 weeks. Turns out, I didn’t have to take such drastic measures after reading a review of Bella B’s Tummy Honey Butter from Jessica Simien who later gifted it to me.

Tummy Honey Butter is the ultimate solution for the prevention of new stretch marks by maintaining skin elasticity and moisture deep into skin layers. Tummy Honey Butter is all-natural, hypoallergenic, contains no water, petroleum or lanolin and includes anti-itch ingredients to soothe those growing tummies. It includes key ingredients such as cocoa butter, shea butter, vitamins D and E, wheat germ oil, olive oil, avocado oil, jojoba oil, sesame oil, almond oil, and aloe vera. Tummy Honey Butter is the winner of the iParenting Award for excellence.

I would recommend using this as soon as you find out you’re pregnant with your spawn. My boobs and tummy grew overnight. While I am combating the marks under my boobs, I haven’t seen any on my stomach. Better safe then sorry, right?

PharMeDoc Hypoallergenic Pregnancy Pillow ($42.95)

I’ve been having trouble sleeping, found this pillow to be fairly popular and ordered it. After using it for a week, I’ve named it “my best friend.”

U shaped body pillow supports your back, hips, knees, neck, and head to help relieve pain and discomfort associated with pregnancy, sciatica, fibromyalgia, gastric reflux, and more. Features a detachable extension that can be used as its own body pillow, or attached the main body pillow for additional back or belly support, making this the perfect pillow for pregnant women and just about anyone else. This maternity pillow measures 56″ long, 35″ wide, and 7 inches high, making this the ideal contoured support pillow for your back, belly, legs, and neck… all in one. Zipper-removable cotton pillow cover is machine-washable, hypoallergenic, contains zero phthalates/latex/lead and is BPA-free.

This pillow is huge and super soft. I tote it between the bedroom and living room. It’s kind of like a wall of protection from Husband, the guy who trapped me.

AZMED Maternity Belt ($24.97)

To ease abdominal and back pain, a belly belt was recommended.

This belly band provides back support and helps lift the pregnant tummy to minimize the pulling forward and down of your belly, which often causes back pain. It effectively redistributes the weight of your pregnancy and helps make your back feel better.

Pressure and pain is inevitable. After all, you are carrying a growing load of unemployment. I felt immediate relief. Thanks for sending this Mom. I have to publicly thank her or she’ll give me crap about it.

BellyBuds by WavHello, Pregnancy Baby-Bump Headphones ($39.99)Bellybuds Replacement Adhesives ($7.99)

There are numerous debates regarding the effectiveness of music on your unborn child. Regardless, I think it’s kind of cool.

BellyBuds is a specialized speaker system that gently adheres to the belly and allows you to safely play memory-shaping sound directly to the womb. Whether it’s a soothing tune or a bond-forming voice message, BellyBuds is a safe and effective first step in connecting with your soon-to-be bundle of joy. Easy to use, discreet and good on the go, BellyBuds works anywhere, anytime.

Thanks to Godmother Gumbeaux for giving me her pair. I’ve created playlists on Spotify that include classical, pop, rock, gospel and brass (because Baby Gumbeaux is well-rounded) until Husband told me about:

Rockabye Baby ($8.99+)

So far, Baby Gumbeaux’s and my favorite album is Lullaby Renditions of Beyonce. I’m assuming Baby Gumbeaux likes it because I can feel internal twerking every time I play it.

Rockabye Baby makes rock music baby-friendly and kids music adult-friendly. Our award-winning rock lullaby series consists of more than 76 releases to date, including lullaby renditions of Bob Marley, The Beatles, Coldplay, and Adele. The resulting albums are revolutionary yet reverential. With over 1.6 million CDs sold and over 100 million streams, Rockabye Baby continues to be the brand of choice for music fans everywhere and makes the perfect gift for a newborn, new parents or yourself.

Baby Gumbeaux listens to Rockabye Baby on Spotify but will buy it via iTunes soon.

What to Expect When You’re Expecting ($10.68)

Ok, back to me. This book is the pregnancy bible, everyone has recommended it.

This cover-to-cover (including the cover!) new edition is filled with must-have information, advice, insight, and tips for a new generation of moms and dads. With What to Expect’s trademark warmth, empathy, and humor, it answers every conceivable question expecting parents could have, including dozens of new ones based on the ever-changing pregnancy and birthing practices and choices they face. Advice for dads is fully integrated throughout the book. All medical coverage is completely updated, including the latest on Zika virus, prenatal screening, and the safety of medications during pregnancy, as well as a brand-new section on postpartum birth control. Current lifestyle trends are incorporated, too: juice bars, raw diets, e-cigarettes, push presents, baby bump posting, the lowdown on omega-3 fatty acids, grass-fed and organic, health food fads, and GMOs. Plus expanded coverage of IVF pregnancy, multiple pregnancies, breastfeeding while pregnant, water and home births, and cesarean trends (including VBACs and “gentle cesareans”).

Once again, Godmother Gumbeaux saved me by giving me a copy (that I have yet to read). What? Have you seen how thick this book is? Someone send me a summary.

Pregnancy Maternity Flexible Belly Ring Retainer ($6.99)

I love piercings, got my belly pierced at 18 and intend on keeping it until I’m 94 or 95 years old…

Nickel & Allergy Free with a comfortable fit so it bends with your growing belly.

I was able to wear a normal-size belly ring for about 22 weeks. I selected the 1-inch retainer because who knows how big my stomach will get. It looked cheaper than I envisioned but I paid 6 bucks, what was I expecting? It was super easy to insert and screw on.

Honorable mention goes to flats (apparently this is very important to wear while pregnant), maternity wardrobe (bras, panties, dresses, shirts, pants and or jeans), nipple pads (for my fellow sisters that may experience early lactation like myself; apparently, shooting people with breast milk is frowned upon), heating and cooling pads (for those aches and pains because they won’t let you take the good stuff), pantyliners (because you never know what will fly out of your vagina), epsom salt (to soak your feet) and consider buying or bringing a pillow to your workplace if you have a shit chair like mine.

You’re welcome.

“Like” Baby Gumbeaux on Facebook, and follow on Twitter and Instagram. Read and share my previous post: Clouds & Crayons Live

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CLOUDS & CRAYONS LIVE

We’re here!

As founder of the Frenemies of Jackson, I Want to Go Home and But There Is Nothing to Do Associations, I’ve worked hard to not assimilate. Sadly, I’m more informed about what’s going on in New Orleans than in Jackson. But after 14 years, I guess I can give Jackson a shot. Right? This means attending more local events which brings me to Let’s Talk Jackson’s 3rd Live show. Read about their first show here! This show was hosted by Chellese Hall and featured Clouds & Crayons (comprised of Astin Rocks, singer, poet and like 10 other things along with Loki Antiphony, producer and multi-instrumentalist). Their sound is described as a blend of electric, soul, rock, hip hop and R&B which could also be described as “all the above.”

Chellese saying something along the lines of “thanks for coming out, this group is awesome, download Satchel and listen to Let’s Talk Jackson.”

The format was a bit different because part of the interview was recorded without the audience. We were sitting next door where we should’ve been listening but was chatting so I actually listened to the interview a couple of days ago. At one point in the interview, I can hear laughter in the background; specifically, me. When I do actually laugh, it’s very loudly. I should also mention the room was filled with snacks and booze (that I couldn’t drink because westerners don’t support tipsy pregnant women). Anyway.

“lalalalalalalala, ohhhhh yeaaaaah!”

When you listen to the episode, songs are inserted throughout the interview but we got a full concert. 5 songs to be exact (Ugly Like Noise, The Nod, Contradiction, Dangerous Crush and Nightmare). My favorite is Contradiction because who can’t relate to that? We received the backstory behind each song and then were quickly impressed by how just 2 people were able to create such a large sound. I won’t attempt to describe the process which would probably be super disappointing to my musician/producer Dad.

I don’t know what to caption this one. Maybe guitar, guitar, button then guitar?

Last but not least, it was great meeting Astin in person (we’re Instagram friends). And, she was happy to know Pink Gumbeaux is a real person. Well, it depends on what you consider as “real.” I am pretty fake in my everyday life. Listen to their interview here, buy their album as well as one of those buttons for me (it looks exactly like the album cover and is super cute). Read and share my previous post: 48+ Faux Product Reviews