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HOW INSECURE MADE ME OBSESSED WITH NICK HAKIM

Insecure has ended, what are we supposed to do with our Sunday nights? Something productive? Eck! Human interaction? I doubt it. Anyway, one thing that can carry us into the next season is their soundtrack.

You can’t tell me it’s not the BEST soundtrack that has ever existed for any show or movie, now and in the future. Not too surprising since some of the music’s curators include Solange, Raphael Sadiq and other super important people we don’t know.

After each episode, I replay songs and buy my favorites. Most recently, Boredom by Tyler, The Creator featuring Rex Orange County, Anna Of The North and Corinne Bailey Rae.

 

I never thought I would like any song from him because I mostly dislike him as a person but alas. What’s worse? I hear the album is pretty good but yeah, this is not what this post is about. It’s about that episode, you know the one. Episode 5 where we all collectively knew Molly f***ed up (literally and figuratively). Although I was outraged, I was paying more attention to the song playing than the actual scene. Turned out, it was Needy Bees by Nick Hakim.

 

Go ahead and listen, I’ll wait here.

I don’t know how to even describe the feeling the song gave me but did listen to it about eight times back-to-back the first time. Then, I decided to do a little research on the artist. Nick Hakim is a D.C. native, singer-songwriter who was inspired by both soul and Nueva Cancion (as a result of his South American parents), became interested in music in his late teens, attended Berklee College of Music, did things broke artists do and now we’re here.

After playing only this song for like a week, I downloaded the album and identified a couple more favorites.

 

 

Unfortunately, I have barely been able to listen to songs outside of these but am fairly confident the rest are equally awesome.

Side note: He has a concert coming up in New Orleans which I may attend and am comfortable with being judged for waddling into a club at 8 months pregnant. Who gone check me? Follow Pink Gumbeaux on social media for judgmental and sometimes funny posts. Read and share my previous post: Second Trimester: The Rise and Fall of the Incubator 

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SECOND TRIMESTER: THE RISE AND FALL OF THE INCUBATOR


Disclaimer: These are my symptoms, everyone is different. While my experience was not the worst, I am dramatic so it was the worst. 

“Wait until your second trimester” they say. “The second trimester will be easier” they say. In the words of Kandi:

THE LIES

THE LIES

THE LIES

Let’s make the bitching quick and seamless. The cyst is shrinking but my fibroid is ride or die. Read about it here. Over the last month, I’ve experienced new pelvic pain, back pain and am fairly certain Baby Gumbeaux has broken my ribs. I never regained energy which is likely a result of not getting adequate sleep which is likely a result of not being able to get into a comfortable position which is likely because Baby Gumbeaux is twerking when we should be resting. I sweat in places I never thought I would; as a result, my current scent is a mixture of Gold Bond, Versace’s Bright Crystal and Cocoa Butter. The Acid Reflux is never ending, yes I’ve taken medication for it and no it doesn’t work. Last but not least, I’ve experienced boob leakage a few times (thankfully just a few) but I think it’s just my boobs letting me know they are locked and loaded.

Interestingly, my doctor’s office has informed me that I am the worst pregnant woman they have encountered. So, you’re telling me I am the only one who panics with every new symptom, Googles them and find out they are life threatening, refuses shots and getting blood taken, demands the butterfly needle and asks a bunch of questions? Not to mention, it took me 45 minutes to drink that disgusting glucose drink (so they can screen my sugar level). I was in the parking lot gagging but some women just drink it like a shot of Patron. Obviously, something is wrong with those women… Speaking of being the worst pregnant woman ever, it may seem super helpful to download a ton of pregnancy apps and subscribe to their newsletters but my doctor has disagreed with nearly all of them so I eventually stopped reading them and would just call her if I had any questions.

One of the biggest benefits of being pregnant is people wanting to feed me and always sympathizing with me being knocked up in the summer. This can result in extra, free or discounted food and skipping lines. Yesterday, a woman charged me the kids meal price for tacos. The day before (when I inquired about discount pregnancy nuggets), I got like 14 additional nuggets. The 6 I had was sufficient but after harassing them for the last few visits, I guess this was the compromise. It took me like 30 minutes to eat all of those nuggets…

The second trimester is when Baby Gumbeaux became most active. It went from flutters to full on dance party. For the last few weeks, she has started to respond to Husband. When he talks to her, she goes nuts. It makes me think I have lost the battle of being her best friend. She also responds to me tapping on my belly. It’s kind of like:

*TAP TAP* “What’s up Baby Gumbeaux?” Then she responds like:

*TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP* “Chilling.”

I think she is super nosy too. Husband and I had one of our intellectual debates and she may have mistaken it for us arguing and got real still. I tapped on my belly and asked her to choose a side, she remained quiet but was back active like 10 minutes later. Ear hustler.

I am currently 30 weeks, in my last trimester and done. The baby is due in 10 weeks but I predict 8 weeks because I am no longer about this life, she’ll be cooked enough. Until then, I am looking forward to milking it and trying to get early maternity leave. Read and share my post on the first trimester: The First Trimester Ft. Baby Gumbeaux. Don’t forget, I’ve created separate social media so I won’t stink up Pink Gumbeaux with baby stuff you care nothing about. “Like” Baby Gumbeaux on Facebook, and follow on Twitter and Instagram.

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POST STORM SURVIVAL & WHERE TO DONATE


Due to being an awesome and well prepared blogger, I often have a backlog of blog posts. Prior to Hurricane Harvey, I was trying to determine if I should publish a post on my new skincare routine, bitch about my pregnancy or tell you about a new artist I am obsessed with. None of those topics seem important right now.

August 29th marked the 12th anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, the worst experience of my life to date. We lost everything, I no longer have childhood homes or schools, and the emotional and psychological effects are lasting. Being refereed to as “refugees,” judged for looting, blamed for crimes in areas where we relocated, and being told it happened because New Orleans needed to be “cleansed” didn’t help. And, people are already saying some of the same things about Houston.

This past week was hard because it brought back some of the same anxiety. Although I am in dry and boring Mississippi, my New Orleans family and friends relocated to Houston after Hurricane Katrina and the flood in Baton Rouge last year. My husband is from Houston so his entire family and friends (that I actually like) are there. Although this event is catastrophic, I am grateful for the same thing I was grateful for 12 years ago. None of my family and friends died but not everyone was as fortunate. After all, things can be replaced. But then there is the aftermath and I’m hoping I can provide some advice to people experiencing this as well as those who want to help.

WHERE TO GET ASSISTANCE?

First and foremost, compose a list of necessities then a list of things that need to be replaced.

  • Contact FEMA for assistance
  • Although controversial, contact Red Cross too
  • FREE accommodations from Airbnb
  • The Greater Houston Community Foundation composed this list of relief resources

So, a bit of time has passed and you are in the process of rebuilding your life. You will need counseling, your kids will need counseling. People who have experienced such devastation often suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

WHERE TO DONATE:

Congratulations, you are not as bad as I thought. Donate to the following:

  • Pay Pal has listed several agencies to donate to.
  • If you are near the areas affected, offer space for free through Airbnb
  • Donate through Apple’s App Store or iTunes
  • Donate money and supplies to the Greater Houston Community Foundation
  • Donate money, goods, supplies, clothing, furniture and cars to the Salvation Army
  • Donate diapers
  • Donate money, food and volunteer at the Houston Food Bank
  • Donate money and food to the Galveston County Food Bank
  • Donate money and food to the Corpus Christi Food Bank
  • Donate to Entergy and Red Cross who have partnered to restore power
  • Donate through GoFundMe
  • Use this Charity Navigator to find organizations to donate to
  • Donate or volunteer through the North American Mission Board
  • Donate to Heart to Heart International
  • Donate or volunteer through Samaritan’s Purse
  • Donate to the Texas Workers Relief Fund
  • Donate to the Animal Defense League of Texas or purchase from their Amazon wishlist
  • Donate to SPCA of Texas
  • Donate to Portlight

If you are about that life (I’m not), donate blood.

As stated previously, I have family that have been affected. If you are interested in helping, email me.

Although recovering from such devastation takes time, can be frustrating and is most definitely a test of perseverance, you can get through this. It’s possible.

Ashlee, out!

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QUICK GUIDE TO PETTY PRANKS

Fun fact: I dislike more people than I like. Who’s surprised? Anyone? Anyone? No? The reasons vary but family and friends know it doesn’t take much. Too friendly, too touchy, too talkative, too nosy, complains too much, self-absorbed, shady, fake, sits too close to me, wears too much perfume and or cologne, etc.

Sometimes, it’s easy to cope with but there has to be a small part of you that would like to ruin their day just a little. I’m glad you agree. Below, is a quick list of anonymous pranks:

1. The OG Glitter Bomb– $9.99

Pay us money, provide an address anywhere in the world & we’ll send your recipient so much glitter in an envelope that they’ll be finding it everywhere for weeks. We’ll also include a note telling the person exactly why they’re receiving this terrible gift. Hint: the glitter will be mixed in with the note thus increasing maximum spillage.

During my Dad’s last birthday, I did a bootleg version of this by filling his card up with red glitter. It was too much, made the card too thick; as a result, he opened the card outside. I should’ve left it to the professionals.

2. A Bag of D****– $12.99

Anonymously ship someone a bag of gummy dicks. We’ll include a note saying “Eat a bag of dicks!” A tasty prank, that will leave a lasting impression. Buyer and Recipient must be 18+ This is a gag gift, don’t send with the intention of harassing somone.

Nothing says you’re being a dick like receiving a bag of dicks but is it an insult if it’s penis-shaped gummy bears? Who doesn’t like gummy bears?

3. Troll Cakes– $30- $60

Troll Cakes takes internet comments, make it into a cake and then box it up and mail it to the troll who said it. The box includes a copy of their original comment.

I really really want one of these. Unfortunately, I am no troll but am sure to have a few passive-aggressive tweets. Oh, maybe someone can get one made for my baby shower… *contacts Godmother Gumbeaux*

4. Shitexpress– $16.95

Choose an animal (various animals have different types of excrement), give us an address (we deliver packages to ALL COUNTRIES in the world, directly to the recipient), pick a sticker, and pay and stay anonymous.

Ok, this one is super awesome and should probably be reserved for people you really hate. There are several people I wish I could send this to right now but being that I… kind of listed it in this post, it would no longer be anonymous. Phooey.

5. Bird by Mail– $5- $6

We specialize in designing one of a kind Middle Finger Novelty Products.

If you have the cash to blow, send a middle finger to your frenemy anonymously; although, you could probably print a ton and mail them for free through your employer’s mail office.

BONUS: Spam! For the people who don’t have the money but have the time to be petty, obtain enemy’s email address and sign them up for random spam.  Need spam ideas? Sign them up for contests they will never win, female and male enhancement trials, weight loss, debt reduction, credit checks and financial tips, recommend them to one of those Nigerian millionaire scammers, and porn 🙂

May the odds be ever in your petty favor.

Read and share my previous post: S*** Pregnant Wives Say to Their Husband

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S*** PREGNANT WIVES SAY TO THEIR HUSBANDS FT. HUSBAND

Disclaimer: No feelings were hurt during this interview; however, spouses remain severely agitated. 

Now, the list of common words and phrases by yours truly also known as Incubator also known as Me also known as the Person Formally known as Ashlee who sometimes goes by the Pregnancy Emoji.  It’s kind of a Prince reference, get it?

“You don’t like me, do you?”

Husband: When Incubator says this, I think she’s being extra.

Incubator: Of our entire relationship, I know I am most annoying right now. I’ve caught him rolling his eyes several times which usually results in me asking him if he dislikes and or hates me but I assure you, being pregnant is way more annoying then whatever I do to him. The nerve. 

“Hungry!”

Husband: While I do understand Baby Gumbeaux has increased Incubator’s appetite, I think she’s milking it a tad bit.

Incubator: That does not sound “understanding” at all *stares*

“Do I look pregnant today?”

Husband: She asks me this everyday. I think she is still in shock and that it hasn’t set in yet.

Incubator: From my angle, it often looks like a potbelly *shoulder shrug*

“I have to pee.”

Husband: She says it’s because the baby is sitting on her bladder but I don’t think Baby Gumbeaux would do such a thing.

Incubator: She’s controlling him and not even here yet. He’s going out like a sucker.

“Don’t touch me.”

Husband: She doesn’t want me to get her pregnant again.

Incubator: *points to belly*

“Are you going to ditch me after your new toy arrives?”

Husband: No, who’s going to feed her?

Incubator: My parents and grandparents have told me they are ditching me for the new model, I don’t think he’s being honest. I predict the following scenario:

Baby Gumbeaux: “Hey Dad, whose that old lady who stays in the basement?”

Husband: “Oh that’s your mom.”

“Rub my feet.” 

Husband: I know the baby is causing the Incubator’s feet to swell but it could also be those heels she’s still trying to squeeze into.

Incubator: Really? Could you not put my business in the streets? 🗣 I ONLY WEAR HEELS LIKE ONCE A WEEK!

“Pay attention to me.” 

Husband: Incubator needs extra attention during this time.

Incubator: So, I read this is likely because I need help protecting the baby. It’s some type of extraterrestrial instinct or something because I really don’t like him like that.

“You’re annoying me…”

Husband: Likewise.

Incubator: 🙂

“Like” Baby Gumbeaux on Facebook, and follow on Twitter and Instagram. Read and share my previous post: S*** Husbands Say to their Pregnant Wives