Monthly archives of “August 2017

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QUICK GUIDE TO PETTY PRANKS

Fun fact: I dislike more people than I like. Who’s surprised? Anyone? Anyone? No? The reasons vary but family and friends know it doesn’t take much. Too friendly, too touchy, too talkative, too nosy, complains too much, self-absorbed, shady, fake, sits too close to me, wears too much perfume and or cologne, etc.

Sometimes, it’s easy to cope with but there has to be a small part of you that would like to ruin their day just a little. I’m glad you agree. Below, is a quick list of anonymous pranks:

1. The OG Glitter Bomb– $9.99

Pay us money, provide an address anywhere in the world & we’ll send your recipient so much glitter in an envelope that they’ll be finding it everywhere for weeks. We’ll also include a note telling the person exactly why they’re receiving this terrible gift. Hint: the glitter will be mixed in with the note thus increasing maximum spillage.

During my Dad’s last birthday, I did a bootleg version of this by filling his card up with red glitter. It was too much, made the card too thick; as a result, he opened the card outside. I should’ve left it to the professionals.

2. A Bag of D****– $12.99

Anonymously ship someone a bag of gummy dicks. We’ll include a note saying “Eat a bag of dicks!” A tasty prank, that will leave a lasting impression. Buyer and Recipient must be 18+ This is a gag gift, don’t send with the intention of harassing somone.

Nothing says you’re being a dick like receiving a bag of dicks but is it an insult if it’s penis-shaped gummy bears? Who doesn’t like gummy bears?

3. Troll Cakes– $30- $60

Troll Cakes takes internet comments, make it into a cake and then box it up and mail it to the troll who said it. The box includes a copy of their original comment.

I really really want one of these. Unfortunately, I am no troll but am sure to have a few passive-aggressive tweets. Oh, maybe someone can get one made for my baby shower… *contacts Godmother Gumbeaux*

4. Shitexpress– $16.95

Choose an animal (various animals have different types of excrement), give us an address (we deliver packages to ALL COUNTRIES in the world, directly to the recipient), pick a sticker, and pay and stay anonymous.

Ok, this one is super awesome and should probably be reserved for people you really hate. There are several people I wish I could send this to right now but being that I… kind of listed it in this post, it would no longer be anonymous. Phooey.

5. Bird by Mail– $5- $6

We specialize in designing one of a kind Middle Finger Novelty Products.

If you have the cash to blow, send a middle finger to your frenemy anonymously; although, you could probably print a ton and mail them for free through your employer’s mail office.

BONUS: Spam! For the people who don’t have the money but have the time to be petty, obtain enemy’s email address and sign them up for random spam.  Need spam ideas? Sign them up for contests they will never win, female and male enhancement trials, weight loss, debt reduction, credit checks and financial tips, recommend them to one of those Nigerian millionaire scammers, and porn 🙂

May the odds be ever in your petty favor.

Read and share my previous post: S*** Pregnant Wives Say to Their Husband

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S*** PREGNANT WIVES SAY TO THEIR HUSBANDS FT. HUSBAND

Disclaimer: No feelings were hurt during this interview; however, spouses remain severely agitated. 

Now, the list of common words and phrases by yours truly also known as Incubator also known as Me also known as the Person Formally known as Ashlee who sometimes goes by the Pregnancy Emoji.  It’s kind of a Prince reference, get it?

“You don’t like me, do you?”

Husband: When Incubator says this, I think she’s being extra.

Incubator: Of our entire relationship, I know I am most annoying right now. I’ve caught him rolling his eyes several times which usually results in me asking him if he dislikes and or hates me but I assure you, being pregnant is way more annoying then whatever I do to him. The nerve. 

“Hungry!”

Husband: While I do understand Baby Gumbeaux has increased Incubator’s appetite, I think she’s milking it a tad bit.

Incubator: That does not sound “understanding” at all *stares*

“Do I look pregnant today?”

Husband: She asks me this everyday. I think she is still in shock and that it hasn’t set in yet.

Incubator: From my angle, it often looks like a potbelly *shoulder shrug*

“I have to pee.”

Husband: She says it’s because the baby is sitting on her bladder but I don’t think Baby Gumbeaux would do such a thing.

Incubator: She’s controlling him and not even here yet. He’s going out like a sucker.

“Don’t touch me.”

Husband: She doesn’t want me to get her pregnant again.

Incubator: *points to belly*

“Are you going to ditch me after your new toy arrives?”

Husband: No, who’s going to feed her?

Incubator: My parents and grandparents have told me they are ditching me for the new model, I don’t think he’s being honest. I predict the following scenario:

Baby Gumbeaux: “Hey Dad, whose that old lady who stays in the basement?”

Husband: “Oh that’s your mom.”

“Rub my feet.” 

Husband: I know the baby is causing the Incubator’s feet to swell but it could also be those heels she’s still trying to squeeze into.

Incubator: Really? Could you not put my business in the streets? 🗣 I ONLY WEAR HEELS LIKE ONCE A WEEK!

“Pay attention to me.” 

Husband: Incubator needs extra attention during this time.

Incubator: So, I read this is likely because I need help protecting the baby. It’s some type of extraterrestrial instinct or something because I really don’t like him like that.

“You’re annoying me…”

Husband: Likewise.

Incubator: 🙂

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