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THE WEDDING OF THE CENTURY


Some names and details have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals I’m gossiping about. Just kidding! A couple of weeks ago, Husband and I were informed of his uncle’s wedding. A bit surprising since he was already married to the PYT no one had met yet. Last Wednesday, Uncle calls and apologizes for not informing Husband of his wedding sooner but hope we could attend. Of course, I wanted to go! Free food? Wedding cake? And in the words of messy family, “I want to see how she looks.”

We were instructed to arrive at the wedding 2 hours prior since we were transporting Father-in-Law who happened to be the Best Man. I was told the wedding would take place about 30 minutes outside of Jackson and slept during the ride because… pregnant. Upon opening my eyes, I saw an alter, food, tables and chairs. I exclaim “so, the whole wedding is outside?” I had already concluded that I would likely spend the entire wedding in the car. It’s hot and muggy, then grass! Do you know what grass is full of? Bugs and whatever makes me breakout into hives and have eczema outbreaks. Anyway, a few minutes later Father-in-Law told me “baby girl, you ought to get out of the car.” Me: I’m not sitting outside. Then, Husband told me Uncle would be transporting us to the main house so we won’t have to be stuck outside until the wedding starts. The main house?

Turns out, we were on over 100 acres of Mystery Bride’s Family Member’s property who is a plumber that moonlights as a pastor in a town I’ve never heard of. There were houses and trailers all over; as a result, of allowing family to build on his property. It basically looked like a neighborhood that had not been approved by the Zoning Board. Nice guy, nice concept but I would not want to stay near family; unless, they feed me.

The main house was not the antebellum mansion I imagined in my head but big enough. We were greeted by a ton of super nice strangers including a woman who kept referring to Uncle as “Unc.” They seemed mighty comfortable with “Unc” which was interesting because we had never met Mystery Bride or her family *stares*

It was finally time for the wedding. Then, we were told the carriage was outside. The carriage? Yep! There was a giant black horse featuring 80 inches of yaky, a carriage and a little black man with a top hat. Now I know horse and carriages can transform weddings into fairy tales but at this moment, I felt like I had traveled back a couple of centuries and that it was a strong possibility I owned slaves. We were helped into the carriage and up the gravel road we went. The ride was worse than any roller coaster I have ever been on. Not only was the road rocky but extremely hilly so I was fully prepared to fly out the carriage at any moment but we made it back to the location of the wedding and I didn’t vomit. Gold star for Ashlee! Anyway, while leaving the carriage, people begun taking photos of us like we were some type of backwoods royalty. At this moment, Husband’s Aunt informed me that my slip was rolled up. I had on one of those skirts that is see-through with a short slip under so I proceeded to raise the see-through part and pulled my slip down in front of all the guests. All they saw was a little thigh, not that big of a deal. If I hadn’t adjusted it, they would’ve seen way more than that. After being seated, the carriage went back to pick up the bridesmaids and bride. I guess the wait was too long (approximately 5 minutes) because Father-In-Law’s feet started hurting so he sat down. Although the bridesmaids had arrived and were walking down the aisle, homeboy was still sitting down.

Finally, Mystery Bride arrived. As she made her way down the aisle, I turned to Husband and told him “I have to use the bathroom” then laughed hysterically. I think it’s worth mentioning that everyone used the bathroom before getting in the carriage but me. I turned to one of the what in modern times would be considered a wedding worker or maybe server but because it was 1817, you know what they are… Anyway, she pointed to the nearest house where I went to potty 🙂

A few minutes later, I was back at the wedding in time for the vows which could not be heard over the generators powering the giant fans because it was hot and muggy. Shortly after, they exchanged rings and a very, long and uncomfortable tongue-kiss ensued. Very dramatic for people who are already married if you ask me. After, the happy couple was whisked off by the horse with yaky and carriage for a wardrobe change. Yes, a wardrobe change. Meanwhile, the wedding cake was doing a shoulder and gansta lean. It was hot as hell and the cake appeared to be melting and giving up on life.

We were then informed we could eat. I was first up but then wanted to sit back down. There was fried chicken, what appeared to be hot wings, fruit, some type of pasta that looked like it could’ve also been a salad, meatballs (I think), pinwheels and sandwiches. Did no one inform the wedding planner that I only came for the food and not for one of those free conferences that say “lunch provided” then when you get to lunch, you realize that you’re going to have to leave for a real lunch? I got 2 pieces of fried chicken that appeared to have garlic sprinkled on it, strawberries, grapes and cheese. Once Husband arrived at the table, I asked him if we were going out to eat after we left the wedding. He shook his head, my Father-in-Law laughed.

The happy couple returned and were informed they needed to cut the leaning tower of wedding cake because it was about 2 seconds from committing suicide. The cake was beautiful. It was 3 layers covered in roses. Watching them take the top layer of the cake off was fun. You know, the part they eat in a year? Anyway, It started to fall apart mid air but they caught it and will be able to enjoy their blob of a cake once the year comes around. Speaking of the cake, it was pretty good but was stale when I ate a piece the next day. They should’ve got their cake the same place my mom got my grandmother’s cake for her 84th birthday, 2 weekends ago. Her cake was still moist the next day.

Most of “Unc’s” family didn’t make it to their first grass dance. We were ready to go; especially, Father-in-Law aka the Best Man. You guys, it was literally an hour and twenty minutes after but you know heat is draining. Everyone and their outside stench hopped in Husband’s car, I fell asleep again and woke up as we pulled up to Father-in-Law’s home. I guess it wasn’t so bad.

Fin.

Oh, I almost forgot. Congrats to the newlyweds! I wish you guys a long and happy marriage. And, this happy couple is responsible for planning the next family reunion. I wonder if the horse with yaky and carriage will make an appearance. Fried catfish and family members can be transported back and forth which could be helpful. The horse would surely be entertaining to kids who can braid it’s hair and put little beads at the end. I wonder if we could get a family reunion shirt for the horse. That would be nice.

Read and share my previous post: Another Blog Post Complaining About Pregnancy Ft. Baby Gumbeaux

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  1. Pingback: 48+ FAUX PRODUCT REVIEWS | PINK GUMBEAUX

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