Monthly archives of “May 2017

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Disclaimer: These are my symptoms, everyone is different. While my experience was not the worst, I am dramatic so it was the worst. 

My first symptom as an incubator was fatigue. I could barely get up in the morning, slept during my lunch break, fell asleep as soon as I got home and slept my weekends away. Although I increased my workouts for energy, it didn’t work. Actually, I am still quite tired and think I will take a break right now.

OK, I’m back. Next, was balancing hunger with nausea. I was accustomed to eating breakfast when I felt like it (which was usually a smoothie) and had appetizers for lunch and dinner but no. Baby Gumbeaux demanded I eat when I woke up then snack, lunch then snack, dinner then snack. I understand the new trend is to eat several small meals a day but that has not been my ministry. On the other hand, I am grateful that I did not suffer from excessive vomiting; although, I was really excited to vomit on people I don’t like. No wild cravings but I always have a really bad aftertaste which works out in my favor because when I say someone’s food sucks, I can now blame pregnancy and everyone should believe me but probably not. Mostly, because I just told you my plan.

I am not particularly fond of the teenage acne that has emerged. I pay entirely too much money for skincare and follow too many steps to look like Nestle Crunch and as stated in my previous post, I’m less “pregnancy glow” and more “soul glow.” Note: If you don’t know what I am talking about, please google that reference. Damn Millennials. 

One symptom that was very scary and is likely here to stay is cramping. I thought I left that shit with my menstrual period. Apparently, it’s as a result of of my uterus expanding and feels like Baby Gumbeaux is shanking me. I did not experience any spotting and no constipation. That’s for suckers.

Last but not least, pregnancy has resulted in the shortest patience on earth which is surprising because I thought I already had the shortest patience on earth. When some things bothered me, I would just ignore it or talk behind their backs but some of these people now get a response. A very nasty response. The kind of responses that could end relationships and do you know what my immediate reaction is after such wickedness? Laughing hysterically. A quote from a friend: “You will go down in history as the meanest, crankiest pregnant woman in the history of the world and nobody will ever say hey Ashlee, have another baby.” She then named me “Preguella DeVille” which I like and would like on a t-shirt. However, I’ve tried to avoid these situations and attempted to get advice. Luckily, I was able to vent to my pregnancy cohort in the “What to Expect” App and learned that we are all living in a constant state of rage. How cool is that?

Well, this was fun. Read and share my previous post: Faux Product Review 47: True Complexion BB Cream Don’t forget, I’ve created separate social media so I won’t stink up Pink Gumbeaux with baby stuff you care nothing about. “Like” Baby Gumbeaux on Facebook, and follow on Twitter and Instagram.

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Yes, you read correctly. The end of the times are near because the infamous toddler-hater is 13 weeks pregnant. So, how did I find out Husband trapped me? 

It was nothing we planned but not anything we were trying to prevent either. When you marry someone who wants kids, it’s inevitable. I literally had a dream where I was told I was pregnant, woke up, took a pregnancy test, screamed explicits then had it confirmed at my employer’s clinic.

My family and friends needed proof before believing I was knocked up. 

Most didn’t believe me but when I provided proof, excitement ensued from mostly everyone… Dad had a hard time processing it (likely because it forced him to realize I’m an adult and that he’s getting older). He’s come around now, has named baby “bun” (because bun in the oven) and has already asked to babysit whenever we travel. My grandmother (his mom) response was bland potato salad until I learned that she thought I felt pressured and was not going to celebrate my pregnancy until she knew I was OK. How does Ashlee feel? This is why she is my ride or die. Anyway, she came around shortly after and has now volunteered to babysit a week out of each mom #saynomore #thankyouinadvance

There are benefits to this pregnancy thing.

I’m coddled and everyone wants to feed me which is awesome because I am always hungry. I don’t have any wild cravings yet but nearly everything I drink tastes like pennies. Family is already volunteering to buy baby furniture and my grandfather stated that the baby will probably be spoiled which is rich coming from the man who spoiled me. Baby will be the first grandchild from my parents and Husband’s dad; as a result, I expect to buy nothing.

What’s next?

After the shock of being knocked up wore off (which is approximately 5 minutes ago), we started giving thought to how we plan to raise Baby Gumbeaux. I am hoping for a girl because who wouldn’t want Ashlee 2.0? Smarter, fashionable, sarcastic and a mouth that kept me in trouble? Yes, please! I am leaning heavy towards private school, the only decision that I’ve made that’s nonnegotiable. And, I already talk to baby a lot. It usually goes like: “Hey baby, what are you doing? Oh nothing? Well, it’s the perfect time for you to start thinking about your future since you obviously don’t have anything better to do.” I’ve also shared with baby a list of my enemies so baby can know who not to go to, who to vomit on and when to scream baby head off. 

If you haven’t guessed, I will be documenting my pregnancy and parenting journey and will likely have personal stories that may or may not affect if family and friends give me gifts at my baby shower. Because I stand in solidarity with other toddler-haters, I created separate social media so I won’t stink up Pink Gumbeaux with baby stuff you care nothing about. “Like” Baby Gumbeaux on Facebook, and follow on Twitter and Instagram.

Read and share husband’s blog post: Storytime 2: Dad, That’s Not a Limousine!

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My dad assured me that if I got my driver’s license before prom that I could drive his Cadillac to prom. How excited was I? I studied and took practice tests in preparation for the exam. Of course, I passed and was excited to tell my dad. “Dad, dad, I passed the exam! I passed my driver license test!” My dad told me he was proud of me. I told him that I was so grateful that he was going to let me drive his Cadillac to prom. Then, my dad said “you’re not driving my car.” I said “buuuttt you said if I got my license, you’ll let me drive your car.” Then he told me he didn’t think I was ready for that type of responsibility but that he would do me one better. He told me that he would get a limo for me and “my little prom date.” I was like “a limo, for real? Dad, you’re the best!” I was bummed that I wouldn’t be able to drive the Cadillac but was like man, I get to arrive in a limo! This is going to be so great.

Its prom night, I’m getting dressed and anxiously waiting for my limo to arrive. My dad comes to my bedroom and informs me that my limo is outside. I walk outside, look around then come back and say “I don’t know dad, I didn’t see a limo but think there is a funeral going on down the street. Do you think the limo driver got lost?” He’s like no, that’s your limo. I was thinking “but that’s a funeral car.”

It has 6 doors.

It’s sky blue.

Then, he informs me that the driver is going to be with me all night so that I can take my time. I was like, “I understand and appreciate that but that is not a limousine, they still got funeral programs in the back.” I had two choices: 1. Take the funeral car or 2. Ask my date to pick me up and we get dropped off at prom. So, I got in the back of the funeral car and the driver attempts small talk with me. In my mind, I just want him to drive this hearse, pick up this girl and drop us off and take us home so I can forget about this day for the rest of my life.

We pick my date up, she says nothing. I could only imagine the thoughts running through her mind like “where the funeral at?” or “I know he did not pick me up in a funeral car.” We arrive at prom, dance and take pictures. Traditionally, people go out to eat after prom but there was no way I was rolling up to a restaurant in a funeral car. She felt the same way so I dropped her off and the nice funeral car driver man dropped me off. He was a great driver, I give him that. The way he turned those corners… He told me he hoped I had a good time; I walked inside, went to my room and cried. No, I didn’t actually cry but my dad ruined my prom and life.

It still hurts.

Read and share wife’s previous post: Token Talk Live

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Source: Token Talk

It took a couple of nudges before I added Token Talk to my long list of podcasts. First, from Super Fan Curnis (who finally got his Token Talk t-shirt) but when my cousin of Druken Church Ladies told me, I sacrificed phone space and added them.

The Token Talk Podcast is about three Black guys from Jackson, Mississippi, determined to bridge the gap of cultural understanding between themselves and their counterparts. Despite coming from different backgrounds and a slight age gap, these black men have a lot of commonalities evident in their hilarious weekly discussions of sharing the daily struggle of being the token Black guy. Follow this social commentary from a minority perspective as they encourage open dialogue with their guests about race, music, dating, and current events.

Husband and I immediately binged past episodes. Don’t tell them but Token Talk quickly became one of my favorite podcasts. The kind where I’m anxiously waiting for them to drop their newest episode. Exhibit A:

And, my Husband is worst. I used to have to wait to listen with him. Now, I listen on my own and re-listen with him. He’s such a fangirl so I knew when they announced their live show, we were going.

This was the first live show hosted by Satchel, held at Podastery Studios. Upon arrival, there was 30 minutes of small talk. I chatted with familiar faces, met new people who I think will be a great addition to my life opposed to annoying and told Thomas that if he insulted New Orleans again, I would call my whodies because there a lot of us in Jackson *blaka blaka* Anyway, the show was recorded live so I’m not going to go into too many details (because you can listen once released) but should mention the guys had a guest cohost. Exhibit B:

They talked about what they’ve been up to and each other, a few hot topics, why and how the podcast was created, that Tario doesn’t pick up his phone, Q&A and that Darius is now “woke.” There was some talk about possible replacements and changing roles but as a fan who listens to each episode twice, that’s not going to work for me because of course, everything is about me.

After the show ended, they attempted to open the floor for more Q&A but Beau (of Satchel and Podastery) informed us in so many words that we didn’t have to go home but that we had to get the hell out of there. I feel you Beau. It was late, you gave us free food, drinks and t-shirts. What else could we ask for? Overall, it was an awesome event. I look forward to more live shows from both Satchel and Token Talk. Side note: I’m the one who wrote more consistent episodes on my survey.

Subscribe to Token Talk and read and share my previous blog post on… deodorant -_-