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THE STORY OF MY FIRST & LAST CANOE TRIP

Dirty little canoe, dirty little life jackets, dirty little paddles and my badass backpack.

I remember premarital counseling like it was yesterday. I was told to be Husband’s playmate so despite being scared of heights, I traveled into mountains and caves on our honeymoon. Despite not being able to swim, we went canoeing last weekend.

Previously, I was a bit bummed about missing the French Quarter and Ponchatoula Strawberry Festivals but was fairly over it. But guess who wasn’t? Husband. The entire week he secretly plotted on how to make the upcoming weekend awesome; although, I planned to attend a local event. Friday, he informed me that we were going canoeing and proceeded to shop for our picnic. My first thought? Is he trying to kill me? Surely he knows I don’t have the best life insurance, it’s best if he keeps me alive. So, I decided to be adventurous; although, I sort of kind of don’t like being outside, have skin allergies that are most active in the Spring and Summer, CAN’T SWIM, hate bugs, reptiles and whatever else lurks in the wild, and CAN’T SWIM!

We drove about 30 minutes outside of Jackson to D’Lo Park. Once we arrived, we had to complete a form stating we wouldn’t damage their already damaged equipment and to provide an emergency contact. Do you know who my emergency contact is? The guy who was taking me canoeing! Upon departure, we were given jinky directions regarding our canoe route. After 3 or so hours, we would see a big bridge that we shouldn’t go under or turn but try to park; although, it was washed out. Then, we should call the Park People to pick us up. We were confused because there are bridges along the route but whatever. We drove a few feet and met up with our dirty little canoe which contained 2 dirty little life jackets and 2 dirty little paddles. For 30 bucks, what was I expecting? Once in the canoe, Park Guy gave us a push and off we went!

Shortly after I killed the spider who tried to kill me.

Immediately after entering the river I exclaimed “I don’t like this.” We were closer to the water than I expected, there was more water than I expected, the boat was rockier than I expected and did I mention the canoe was dirty? Shortly after, I made eye contact with a spider. Why is a spider in our canoe already? Did he just get here or hopped in when he saw us so he could rob and shank us? After I MURDERED him (spider), I noticed we were the only people on the river. Not only were we the only people on the river but we are also black which increased our chances of being murdered (like the spider) and our bodies never being found. It was the perfect plot for a horror movie.

Canoeing is more difficult than I imagined. There were lots of bends (turns), fallen trees and rocks we had to dodge. Of course, Husband didn’t want me to help paddle. According to him, I didn’t know what I was doing which was interesting because he didn’t know what he was doing either.

Guess who’s having a blast in the dirty little canoe?

I was an anxious mess the entire time; although, I didn’t vocalize it much. I just hoped we would get down the river in half the time we were told (3 hours). Probably a mile or so into our trip, Husband turned the boat around. You guys, literally a mile down the river and maybe 30 minutes into our trip. He knew I hated it. Me: “But isn’t going against the current going to be hard?” Husband: “Canoes are made for this.” I think it took us the same amount of time to go back as it did to go down stream. As we approached the dock, I got into a paddle scuffle with a dragonfly. He kept trying to land next to me and I was like “no, I don’t know you and I don’t like bugs.” Husband: “Stop before you flip out of the boat!”

As we pulled up, there were 2 Bite-sized demons (kids) throwing rocks at our canoe. Had I not been scared to rock and fall out of the canoe, I would’ve thrown them back and wouldn’t have missed. Shortly after, we were pulled out of the water. Land! We had a picnic on the side of the river when Husband revealed the snakes and other wildlife he saw. If you can remember, I just got in a fight with a dragonfly so imagine how I would’ve reacted if I saw a snake. Overall, I’m glad I went. How else would I know I’m never going again?

Our view while eating lunch.

Read and share my previous post: Faux Product Review 45: Rock Hard Hardener & Basecoat

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6 Comments

  1. Swimming w/o paddles

    Give it another shot! I go often and LOVE it!!!! I can’t swim either but I have faith the other kayakers won’t let me drown lol

  2. Pingback: FAUX PRODUCT REVIEW 46: NATURALLY DRY ANTIPERSPIRANT | PINK GUMBEAUX

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