Monthly archives of “June 2016

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MAC AND CHEESE APPRECIATION (WITH RECIPE)


I’ve loved Macaroni and Cheese since my inception and possibly during past lives. I imagine my very first words were “pink,” “heels,” and “Mac and Cheese.” Don’t debate me on this Mom.

Finding out about the First Annual Atlanta Mac and Cheese Festival prompted me to think about Mac and Cheese and it not being celebrated more often.

First and foremost, one does not grow out of eating Mac and Cheese. I don’t know what a**hats think Mac and Cheese is only for kids… Secondly, Mac and Cheese can be a meal. Consider it a vegetarian dish and pair with a nice white wine. Thirdly, it’s hard to mess up Mac and Cheese. Although, I wanted to talk about a situation in which I had sucky Mac and Cheese but Husband said the particular person in question probably reads my blog and that “I don’t have to say everything I think.”

Last but not least, you can freestyle Mac and Cheese recipes. While in Seattle, I had a really festive bowl of Mac and Cheese and recreated the recipe below.

Warning: As with many of my blog posts, I’m winging it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

What you’ll need:

  • 1/2 cup of shredded sharp cheddar
  • 1/2 cup of shredded Monterary and Colby Jack. Try to find the blend opposed to buying it separately.
  • Half of the 16 oz. of fake ass Velveeta
  • Rotini pasta
  • 1/2 cup of milk
  • A tablespoon of sugar
  • A tablespoon of butter
  • One egg
  • Dash of salt and pepper for flavor
  • A tablespoon of sour cream
  • 1 or 2 stems of a scallion (green onion for the classless)
  • Bacon bits (the chewy kind, not the crisp-cardboard kind).
  • Paprika (optional)

Assuming you know how to boil water and cook pasta, let’s move on to more pressing issues.

Chop scallion (green onion for the peasants) and Velveeta. Immediately after draining pasta add cheeses, butter, milk and sour cream. Once it’s melted, crack and add egg. Whip it up quickly, you don’t want scrambled egg in your Mac and Cheese. Most importantly, I don’t want to be blamed for your Mac and Cheese Eggs.

Toss in sugar, salt and pepper. Stir then eat a bite. You know, test it out. How does it taste? Good, I know. Go ahead and toss in the scallion and bacon bits. Eat as is or add to a baking pan, sprinkle a little sharp cheddar, shake a little paprika and pop it in the the oven until brown on top.

Now go out into the world and spread the love of Mac and Cheese but I won’t judge you if you toss it in someone’s face (Mac and Cheese can serve as a weapon when necessary).

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TRAFFIC COURT 

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Of course I was speeding but I expected to get away with it because (1) I was in a Volkswagen Beetle and (2) I’m cute. At the time the pig was giving me the ticket, I was more concerned about being late for my meeting but as time progressed I started feeling guilty. Oh, and then there’s the expensive ticket so I decided I would plead my case in court opposed to just paying the ticket.

The court is in walking distance from my job so I brought a few things with me opposed to bringing my purse, I was trying to look homely. The security guard pointed me in the direction of the check-in window where I prayed they didn’t have my ticket (so my case would be thrown out) but they had it so off to court I went.

Upon arrival, the court grand master (or whatever he is) told us that we had to sit in the back of the courtroom and that the front rows were reserved for attorneys. EXCUSE ME? My ancestors did not fight for me to sit on the back row of this filthy courtroom! So I did what any woman of my stature would do, I sat in the back. I didn’t want any trouble, the ticket was enough for me.

While waiting, I posted some thoughts:

At traffic court for speeding, I’m so ashamed #pinkcriminal

Why does it stink in here? Is it part of my punishment? #trafficcourt #pinkcriminal #itstinks

With all these people in here for speeding tickets, surely they can afford plugins #trafficcourt #pinkcriminal #itstinks

The personnel at traffic court are RUDE. We are the criminals, why are they tripping? #trafficcourt #pinkcriminal #itstinks

I don’t like the word “guilty.” Is there an alternative? #trafficcourt #pinkcriminal #itstinks

Will I get points for a cute outfit? #trafficcourt #pinkcriminal #itstinks

Is there a payment plan? #trafficcourt #pinkcriminal #itstinks #iaintgotit

What would the Puerto Rican Princess do? #trafficcourt #pinkcriminal #itstinks #joselinehelpme

I’m realizing that hygiene is not everyone’s priority #trafficcourt #pinkcriminal #itstinks #becauseeveryonestinks

Before the judge arrived, court master flex did a roll call of some sort. When he called our name, we had to plead “guilty” or “not guilty.”I thought:

OMG, I have to say “guilty” out loud? Does he know I am a public servant? I am getting a degree in public policy and administration for goodness sake! This can ruin me!

So, I pleaded guilty but softly… *whispers* guilty.

Besides noticing the courtroom stinks because some of my fellow criminals stunk, people brought a friend or two with them. Then I wondered, where is my support system? Husband? My little brother? In-laws? I needed them and they weren’t there!

Finally, the judge arrived and he was fine. I listened as they called people’s names and described their infractions. I was shocked by the amount of people driving with suspended licenses and no insurance. One guy who already had two tickets drove to court with a suspended license. The judge gave him another ticket. Then, it was my turn. Court snitch stated that I had been driving 22 miles over the speed limit. Judge Fine is like “where were you going in such a hurry?” I told him I was rushing from one meeting to another, then Judge Fine told me “you’re going to hurt someone in that Beetle.”

I still had to pay the ticket but he allowed me to take a class to get it removed from my record. I had served my time.

If I can save one person, I’ve done my job with this blog post. Don’t be like me, don’t get a speeding ticket.

Humbly,

Ashlee

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HOW TO SPOT NICE PEOPLE

and get as far away as possible.

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Earlier this week, I had a conversation with a fellow blogger (hey Jessica) in which we discussed our distaste for nice people. After being on this earth for 30 years, I am convinced that nice people are the devil’s spawn and because I’m always looking out for you guys, I’ve created a preliminary guide to help you dodge these hell Angels.

  1. Nice people want to be your friend on demand. They don’t want to get to know you, cyberstalk you, test your hair follicle, obtain a blood sample or wait the standard 3 to 5 years. They just want to be your friend immediately, like a weirdo.
  2. Upon arrival, nice people will approach you like excited puppies. They can’t wait to speak to you. Make a u-turn, head back to your car and get the hell out of there!
  3. Nice people hug you with both arms opposed to the one-arm side hug.
  4. Nice people call, email and or text you “because they were thinking about you and wanted to reach out.”
  5. If you’re running late to a dinner your husband made you attend, nice people wait for you to arrive before ordering their food.
  6. Nice people not only remember your birthday but send you a gift. If I were you I would sell it on eBay, get the cash and buy yourself an untainted gift.
  7. Nice people compliment you on your makeup, hair and attire. Go home, change.

Nice people will read this blog post and ask “what’s wrong with being nice?” If you’re that type of person, I will block you.

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DON’T FACE YOUR FEARS

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A story about my friend’s 12-year old daughter’s reaction to immunizations prompted me to think about my fear of shots and other fears. Let’s discuss shall we:

  1. I am petrified of shots and have done a fair job of dodging them with the exception of the following: (1) the times I got dental work done and the nurse had to hold my hand while the doctor administered local anesthesia and (2) when I got two shots of adrenaline (not 1 but 2) due to my chronic hives in which I cried and called my mom. Husband was in the corner laughing.
  2. I also have a fear of flying and no matter how many times I do it, I still freak out. But I have found a few ways to deal with it 🍷🍷🍷Read: The Scary Cat’s Guide to Flying 
  3. Then there is my fear of heights (which is why I’m scared to fly) but since I’ve been married, Husband has had me in mountains in Tennessee, the top of the Space Needle, and peer pressured me to walk up and go down a 3-story slide at our local state fair. But, guess what? I’m still scared of heights.
  4. If you can’t tell by the introverted tone in some of my blog posts, people also scare me and outside of my academic and creative environments, I would prefer if people would give me 50 feet. Don’t look at me. Don’t touch me. Don’t talk to me. Most importantly, I don’t want to be your friend. Take a stroll down memory lane and read The Introvert’s Guide to the Workplace and The Introvert’s Guide to Social Affairs 
  5. Yeah, about the touching thing. It’s hard to avoid here in the south, Deep South. No one wants to greet by blinking, hand shake at a maximum. Everyone wants to hug and kiss but I rely on the one-arm hug like a mutha.

So, basically what I’m saying is facing your fear will accomplish absolutely nothing. Trust me. Life is too short, go out into the world and live in fear my children!

You’re welcome.

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